unpoetry™

hehe.. my friends :)

2011-12-03T13:29:00.005+08:00

flotsam

2009-08-12T11:32:00.002+08:00

I know

2009-07-21T03:16:00.003+08:00

Okay, so I said three hundred times before that I won't be updating this blog anymore. But you see, I can't bear to just see it die!

Last post created May 29th. Big deal. It's now July 21st and what's cool about it is the fact that I'm still an insomniac. Not the real clinical type but the self-induced kind, if you will.

Guess what, I'm sick, I have a cough and a cold that just won't go away. And I am a lame blogger.

(Craving noodles)

I browsed through my old blogs here and over at http://cheesier.blogspot.com and I found out what an emotional blogger I can be sometimes. Or maybe it just so happened that I was emotional at that time when the urge to blog happened to kick in. WHO CARES!

(Still craving noodles. The Japanese kind with a nice sesame oil taste)

Sigh, I think I'm PMS'ing. Ah, the PMS. My most favorite topic of all time.

I should get to bed.

Ah, what's playing on my iTunes while I write? A KISS TO SEND US OFF by Incubus. I love this song, seriously.

Ok, going to bed. Coughing like a ***********!!!!!!!!!!!

"Sucks to be me." - my left eye

2009-05-29T05:39:00.001+08:00

I woke up with a freakin' eye infection the other day. It hurts and it's itchy. It makes me want to scratch the dastard.

What really annoys me is the fact that I have appointments this week that I'd been waiting for practically the whole month, and then I get this bleeping infection. You know I can't leave the house looking like a retard with a swollen eye

!!!!!!!

No Safe Place

2009-05-26T01:44:00.002+08:00

Prior to this post I wrote a "love letter" for someone. I decided to unpublish it because I don't want for nosy people to stumble upon my blog and read it. I don't trust any stranger who reads my blogs, and neither should you trust me. Ha! Anyhow, it's now in a very safe place where only I, God, and the person I'm in love with can see it =)

Three years later....

2009-05-22T23:05:00.010+08:00

Wow. Three years. A lot has happened in the last 3 years since I posted something on this blog. I lost my dad to cancer, got my heart broken, recovered from both, cut my hair short, grew it out again (now past my shoulders), met a lot of new people and now call a handful of them my best friends, gained weight, lost weight, went through seasons and trials, got into a couple of businesses, started new hobbies, new projects, learned a lot of new tricks, trusted the wrong people, stuck with the right people, met a handsome man, knew God better and how merciful and loving he truly is, made a lot of mistakes, trusting God more.

Three years later I still have a lot to learn and that is a good thing. Lord, have your way. That's probably one of the smartest prayers I could ever pray.

2008-09-17T22:05:00.000+08:00

i can jump from one mood to another throughout the day.

and right now i'm just wishing that all of this will be over soon. Lord, just strengthen me.

when i feel weak, i cry out to my Lord. when i feel sad, i long for someone's touch -my Lord's. when i sin, i look to God to cleanse me. it all makes so much sense.

i heard the word backslide several times this week. i never wrote about it, but about a couple months ago i almost felt that i had already backslid. actually, i wasn't sure. they said that once you have tasted God's goodness by accepting him into your heart and letting him change your life, once you have been made a new creation in Christ, it would be impossible for you to backslide because this whole new life and love relatioship with God is too good to be ever dismissed or abandoned. it's true. those who have fallen away did not truly love God in the first place.

1:36 a.m. isn't so bad

2008-09-17T22:00:00.000+08:00

i'm taking a break from writing my novel. haha. i had no choice but to start writing or i'll never start. i'm writing from a first person perspective. that's because i'm not good at story telling, so i'd rater do the talking if you know what i mean.

my lead character is a female, her name is dana. she is a single mom and her 5-year old son's name is sammy, her best friend's name is jeanie, and as for dana's background, i haven't gotten into that yet. but in the first few paragraphs i've written, she had a bad dream wherein she was going to throw her son into the sea. but that's not so bad compared to the fact that in her dream she was a prostitute and her bloodline could be traced back to a family of, um, prostitutes. hahaha!!! i don't know where i get my ideas sometimes.

but it's fun. i just hope that i don't forget to save and back up my novel just in case my laptop works against me. i hope not.

holy cow. i wonder where this is going to take me.

anyways, there are some blogs that i like to read and i check them regularly. one of them is by a 19-year old african american woman who is so cute and funny. i've come to love that girl and in almost every post, she says something that cracks me up. she thinks boys stink, but that's not the reason i think she's funny. another blog that i like to read is by a 40 something grandmother who owns a tattoo/piercing studio. she only does the piercing and has other people on hand who do the tattoos. she's also into big bikes and has a biker husband. she has 2 siblings whom she met only recently because they grew up separately in different orphanages. she met her biological mother a few years earlier, but she has never met her father. i forget if he'd already passed away or if he's somewhere in outer space. i have a feeling that i'm starting to bore you, but let me talk about one last blog that i like to read.

Guess what

2006-05-17T01:09:00.000+08:00

I missed my old bloggy :-)

The rain is so depressing!!!!

Hmm, I don't know why but it seems I'm able to express myself better in this blog than in my other blog. I wonder why?!?!

I've been spending a lot of time with my friend Jihann. She's so nice because she cooks for me. She makes me lunch. She makes me dinner. She hates the fact that I eat too much CANNED FOOD. Canned food is for lazy people who don't give a darn about their health. It is so wrong. Canned food is wrong! People should stop making canned food! Or I'll keep eating canned food and get sick.

It's still raining. It's depressing, but not too depressing because at least the air is cool I'm not sweating, you know. Wait, I don't think I'm really that depressed. I'm just trying to be depressed and it's stupid.

I just want to say, sweet dreams to the one I love....

good-bye, unpoetry!

2006-02-19T11:15:00.000+08:00

i think it's only right that i made a farewell post to my blog.

hey unpoetry blog. it's been fun whining and complaining and having fun with you.

thanks for sharing secrets with me. you've been with me through mostly thick and chubby. haha.

thanks for being like a dumspter. i got to pour my crazy emotions out on you. you did a great job.

thanks for putting up will all those pictures of myself. even though i had the feeling that you're about ready to throw up everytime i would post new ones.

thanks for putting up with my fickleness when it comes to templates. it's just that there are so few choices. not my fault.

boy am i proud that i did not use the words RANT, RAMBLE, or RUMBLINGS on this blog (till now). i'm sick of seeing those words on blogs.

dear unpoetry blog, please don't get jealous. i'll be spending my time with cheesier now, but you'll always be my 2nd blog.

BYE!

i'm scared of lobsters

2006-02-17T03:02:00.001+08:00

sometimes i just refuse to go to sleep. what's up, carmina?

what's on my mind:

tina turner rocks.
i eat too much junk food and i love it. ice cream in the morning? bring it on.
the tuna sandwich that don made was one of the best tuna sandwiches i've ever had. the tuna in the middle was thicker than the wheat bread slices. i hope he never reads this because he thought i was complaining.
i need to get some money from the bank. it sucks to not have an ATM card.
i should be sleeping by now.
there are times when i don't want to talk to anyody. at all.
i don't drink enough water daily. tsk tsk.
PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome) should be cursed.
i think some people were born to get on my nerves.
i think i was born to get on some people's nerves. haha.
call me selfish, but if it's my dark chocolate i don't want to share it. sorry!
i want to go skydiving right now. right now!
i ought to pray more.
i miss someone.
hot and crispy kentucky fried chicken.

hey

2006-02-16T13:24:00.000+08:00

my blog is turning 1 in a couple of days. i'm still thinking of making a new blog. i want to change my URL to something cheesier.

hee hee

2006-02-16T12:26:00.000+08:00

i'm running out of sensible titles :) i am just so happy. there are no words to express how lovely God makes me feel. the more i cling to him and the more i ponder his goodness, the smaller the world and its needs become...

whenever i would feel disappointed because i didn't get what i want i would ask myself, "is there anything that this thing/person could provide that God couldn't?" of course the answer is a resounding no because God gives me a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y everything that i need every single day. he is my true source of joy. he knows what lurks within my heart. he knows both my deepest joys and simplest joys - sometimes in the form of a compliment, a word of appreciation, a flower, a teddy bear (even from someone who couldn't spell my nickname right - pewe, as it was written on the card, instead of peewee), a hug from a child, or a sweet drawing from my little sister (in her drawings, i'm always a princess with very very long hair). you know, the small things that mean big. he knows the things that make me smile and he makes sure that i receive them in one form or another. how sweet is that? and i thank him for giving me wonderful friends and a loving spiritual family who are a great blessing to me.

my Lord has been lavishing me with gifts. it feels as if he's courting me =)))

i wrote this for him a long time ago. this is me courting my God.

romancing you
(carmina beatrix)

now let me court you*
let me sing to you a love song
i will sweep you off your feet
make you fall so deeply in love with me
all over again

i will show you
how smitten i am with you
now let me dance with you
while heaven looks on
i will romance you

now it's my turn
let my actions speak amorously
only to find myself
trapped in you
'cause i can't forget
how you've romanced me
lover of my soul, there is no other
oh what can a girl do
you are so romantic

cool! i found out that i wrote it exactly a year ago. we were really meant to be! hehe :)

* jeremiah 31:22b ...the LORD hath created a new thing in the earth, a woman shall compass (woo, win, and protect) a man.

my offering for valentine's day

2006-02-14T19:00:00.003+08:00

can you remember?
(originally written september 7, 2004)

can you remember? when we were friends
we talked a lot, shared our lives,
poured coffee and dreams on weekends.
we went to places we'd never been before,
we discovered things we wouldn't have bothered to know
if either one of us were not around.

can you remember? when we were friends
we protected each other,
we taught each other things
even without saying a word.
we laughed, we cried, we danced, we sang,
we lived life to the full so that one day we could look back
and say, "it was all worthwhile."

can you remember? when we were friends
people looked at us.
they knew our friendship was special,
that it was ordained by God himself.
they longed to have what it was we had,
though we both knew we were just having fun.
yet through thick or thin, we were there for each other.

can you remember? when we were friends
we saw each other grow.
i believed in the things you thought you could be,
and you believed in mine.
i witnessed your successes, how you became what you dreamed,
and my achievements were as good as yours.
all because we let each other celebrate life - free as a bird.

can you remember? when we were friends
we did not compromise.
we sought to love each other purely,
and for each other we laid down our lives.
we gave to each other only to gain so much more.
and now we can truly say,
we have memories to ponder because we let each other be...

...when we were but friends.

can you remember?

the laundry

2006-02-14T12:23:00.000+08:00

weird as it may sound, i love to do the laundry. i really really do. i love the swishing sound the clothes make in the washing machine. haha. i can stare at the vortex action for hours (exaggeration). i love the smell of detergent, but i love the smell of bleach even more!!! haha! and did i mention downy? i love the thought of dust mites succumbing to downy overkill. i love soft and nice smelling clothes. and my favorite things to wash are the sheets. i love nice clean sheets. and i don't mind doing other people's laundry too as long as they're not too dirty or smelly.

time to rinse!

the greatest love of all

2006-02-13T23:38:00.000+08:00

i pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you mighty inner strength through his Holy Spirit. and i pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. may your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. and may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. may you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God (ephesians 3:16-18).

Lord, your love is worth celebrating!

thank you for loving me.
thank you for teaching me to love you.
thank you for teaching me to love others.
thank you for giving me friends and family to love (dogs included).
thank you for giving me the gifts that i love.
thank you for creating me because of your great love.
thank you for giving me life so that i can experience love... you.
thank you, Lord Jesus, for it was you who first demonstrated love in action.
thank you, Lord Jesus, for my love for you grows stronger each new day.
thank you, Lord Jesus, because nothing i can do can make you love me more.
I LOVE YOU!

discipleship

2006-02-11T22:47:00.000+08:00

it's my turn to teach the women in my small group this sunday. i've encouraged them to take turns in facilitating so that they can get some training in leading their own small groups, but i really missed teaching (it's been 3 weeks since i last taught). so i volunteered (more like jumped in) to teach this sunday's lesson, which is "following Jesus" although it's supposed to be one of the other women's turn. she said it's okay :P

before i studied the lesson, all i could think of was, "i'm not worthy to teach this." but i prayed to God to use me as his mouthpiece, and so that i could make an impact in these women's lives. i still think i'm not worthy, but it's not about me anyway. Jesus Christ is Jesus Christ whether i am worthy or not, and he will be the one to empower these women's lives.

the ladies in my group are all musicians attending a conservatory, so i don't have much in common with them except that we all love to laugh, eat donuts and dumplings =) everyone is younger than me so they all call me "ate", which is the filipino address for big sister. i learn so much from them every week. they all love the Lord Jesus and i want to love him like they do (that's how much i think they love him). i look up to them even though i'm the small group leader. i always look forward to being with them every sunday =)

getting up at 6 AM so i gotta rest these peepers. i want to look beautiful tomorrow for good and practical reasons :) :) :) good night!

i'm a sucker for this commercial :P

2006-02-11T14:17:00.000+08:00

carmina's craving of the day

2006-02-11T01:32:00.000+08:00

seriously.

i love him because...

2006-02-10T17:48:00.000+08:00

when i was feeling weak, he caused the storm to rise up;

then i saw his strength.

when i couldn't find my way, he caused me to be lost in him;

then i was found.

when i was feeling empty, he caused me to hunger for him;

then i was filled.

in him i'm never disappointed,

because everything he does is love.

i'm the apple of his eye.

on a roll

2006-02-09T13:23:00.001+08:00

i'm finally going to sing at the prayer meeting tonight, after a long long long long hiatus from singing due to my too long battle with the cough/cold virus. then after the prayer meeting i will head to the rehearsal studio to practice for the sunday 9/11 AM services. then tomorrow and saturday morning (gah, i have to sleep early, wake up early) i will sing at the women's victory weekend (women's retreat) and i'm excited about that. my favorite part of the retreat would be the baptism in the Holy Spirit.

talked to another friend who made me cry last night. this time it was a guy friend. why is everybody making me cry these days?! but it was a good cry. and i sincerely thank God for people who try to put some sense into this head of mine once in a while. you know how you can't see clearly when you're eyes are all misty? well, these guys wipe the tears from my eyes, kick my butt, and tell me to stop being weird. hehe. like it's ever possible!

in other news, i've started a business with don. and i mean we've just started. i'll give you more info about it when everything's all set and then maybe you can buy our product and even help us sell out =) friends and family already want to get samples of our product/s even before we actually hit the market and i think that's really cool. i guess because they're friends and family? but it doesn't matter, it's a blessing! i know that this business ADventure is going to be a success... i know it because we say so! =) with God's help, all things are possible. right, chi-chi?! let me give you a hint: biscuits. very fragrant biscuits. hehe, you'll never guess what it is =)

ok, gotta go. i'm all happy today. wee.

through it all

2006-02-09T00:56:00.000+08:00

when i need to cry, you are there...

when i feel dejected, you remind me of your promise to love and be faithful to me (psalm 98:3)...

when i feel "not good enough" you tell me that there is no flaw in me (songs 4:7)...

when i can't see clearly, you guide me and walk the path with me...

when i mess up, you are patient with me...

when i go astray, you miss me and call me to yourself...

when i feel like giving up or don't feel like trying at all, you remind me that i'm more than a conqueror through Him who loved me (romans 8:37)...

thank you, Lord.

---

through it all
hillsong united

lalagi ka sa 'king buhay
umaga't dapithapon
lukuban ng iyong pagkalinga
akayin sa iyong katuwiran

sa 'yo lang lalapit
maghihintay bawat saglit

aawitin sa iyo ang pag-ibig ko
tapat ka sa iyong pangako
sa yakap mo'y magtitiwalang
di ako mag-iisa
kailanman
translation by: don b.

stop bugging me!

2006-02-08T12:38:00.000+08:00

hey, i'm back

2006-02-07T16:14:00.002+08:00

did anybody notice that i didn't blog for 5 days? i guess not.

hey, why can't the right guy just fall in love with the right girl and then everyone will be happy? just like adam and eve? (i know it was just the two of them in the beginning, but i'm sure you get my idea.)

God, why do i have to break hearts (like my best friend accuses me of doing but i insist on calling it "turning down a proposal") or go through heartbreak myself before i finally meet the love of my life? some people might say that there is a way to not go through any heartbreaks. oh, shut up. me thinks some people are destined (doomed) to go through them. and you know what i really hate? breaking the heart of (turning down) a friend. somehow it's like losing a friend. because you've been forever accustomed to thinking of the person as your friend and then one day he lets his feelings out, and you have to say no. and then the friendship will never be the same again. craptastic. it's almost as bad as having my heart broken.

i can't wait for my guy, to whom i will say yes, to finally let his feelings out. and then the friendship will never be the same again. fantastic. and that will be the end of all this heart-breaking frenzy. wee.

"but i tell my self just to be strong. one day my man will come along..."
i asked God a long time ago that he let my guy see me in his dreams when it's time. so hopefully that's how God will set him up. he'll have nightmares about me =)
did you really have to read this far? you nosy nosy person. go get your own blog! =)

dents

2006-02-07T16:11:00.000+08:00

what about my flaws?

i have flaws.

lots of them.

by the boatload.

i love my friends. they too have flaws. yup, just like me.

i love finding out about my friends' flaws because it makes me less afraid to let my flawed self show.

if you are my friend (and even if you seem to be the nicest person in the world), believe me, i can name my favorite flaws about you =)

and even if may seem like the nicest person, i'll believe anybody who comes up to me and tells me that i am one flawed person.

it's fun, isnt it?

maybe this is something that should never come from my own mouth, but i am a best friend to many. and i think those who consider me their best friend are great themselves, because they chose to love me "warts and all."

flaws... you have them and i love them about you.

do you love mine?

on the other hand, our LORD says to us, his Bride: "all beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you."

typical conversations with jihann, my friend of 20+ years

2006-02-02T13:23:00.000+08:00

carmina: nagbebenta ba kayo ng low rise jeans? as in yung mababa.
jihann: yup. sa tuhod yung waist?
carmina: gaga.

---

jihann: dala ka naman anything sweet.
carmina: chure.
jihann: madami ha.
carmina: asukal.
jihann: haha.

---

(around lunch time)
carmina: anong oras na?
jihann: five.
carmina: hindi nga?
jihann: five.
carmina: yung totoo.
jihann: quarter to fifteen.

---

jihann: anong oras ka aalis mamaya?
carmina: mamayang hapon.
jihann: anong oras ka babalik?
carmina: mamayang hapon.
jihann: anong oras nga? sige pag hindi ka sumunod magkaka AIDS ka.
carmina: haha.
jihann: hindi ka pupunta ng victory?
carmina: hindi.
jihann: bakit hindi ka na nag-vivictory?
carmina: e may sakit ako e.
jihann: bakit, hindi ka naman mag ka-calisthenics dun e.

---

carmina: gusto kong yakapin si manny pacquiao.
jihann: bat gusto mo siya yakapin e may asawa na yun. magagalit sa 'yo.
carmina: gusto kong yakapin si manny pacquiao.
jihann: sige yakapin mo. suportahan ta ka.

what's your true color?

2006-02-01T12:34:00.000+08:00

i'm a cheese monster

2006-01-31T07:42:00.000+08:00

i love cheese.

my brother came home yesterday from holland. he brought home a bunch of cheeses and oh my gosh did they taste good. we had a cheese party, and we also had some sausages but i forgot what they're called.

i especially liked the boerenkaas cheese (dutch farmer's cheese). i just found out that it's made from unpasteurized cow's milk, that's why it's a good thing that i always say grace before eating. it's really yummy, you should try it. i also like the extra stinky cheeses, even the ones with molds on them like blue cheese. oh, they're to die for.

in other news, i got up so early (6 AM) because i had the most bizarre dream. shortly before i woke up, i was dreaming that prince, (that is, the artist formerly known as prince) dropped by my house. he never got out of his car (it was purple) and when he saw me, he rolled down the window and asked if i was carmina. i said yes, then he introduced himself by saying, "i'm prince, you know, the artist formerly known as prince? but you can call me shaunie." well, he didn't look anything like prince, but he was a little on the effeminate side in my dream, so that made it a little more realistic. hehe.

then he asked me to sit on the passenger seat of his car. it was pretty cool, it had a built-in computer and printer in between the two front seats. apparently someone had told him to deliver some printed documents to me. so he pressed something on his computer, printed several pages of lyric sheets adding to about an inch thick, and gave them to me. i thanked him and asked him for an autograph. hehe.

i got out of his car and saw my two friends from high school. i got excited and told them something lame like, "hey, prince is here! come on, check him out." then i kept waving at them to come. one of my friends, who in real life is the one more into artists and stuff, ran to him and also asked for an autograph. but my other friend just made a face and said she didn't want to meet him. oh, she would have loved prince (or shaunie). hehe.

when i got jolted awake by this slighty freaky dream, i discovered that i'd been sleeping horizontally across the bed. haha.

TIRED

2006-01-30T23:59:00.001+08:00

this cough is a female dog

nunu day!

2006-01-29T23:59:00.000+08:00

my camel nunu and friends =)

grace, her gadget, and nunu

marco and nunu

don riding in style with nunu... they were moving too fast
notice the whipping stick in don's left hand, if you can see that

don stopping for a drink after the long ride with nunu

ian couldn't take any more, with nunu

marco, grace, me, judith, and nunu (napping on the table)

ian and sharp shootin' nunu

carla and shy around girls nunu

ian and daredevil nunu

nunu ridin' the escalator

bedtime nunu

no camel was hurt during this photo shoot.

finding God in my garden

2006-01-28T10:50:00.000+08:00

all pics taken today*. it's been fun trying to find the touch of God even in mundane things.

* last 3 pics taken 01/30/06

my personality test results

2006-01-25T23:31:00.000+08:00

i'm a "slower-paced, people-oriented" chick.

so i took the DISC (dominance, influence, steadiness, conscientiousness) personality test and it turns out i'm a high s (steadiness). and here's the summary of my test results:

basic tendencies:
slower-paced
people-oriented
(comments: if we're walking together and i complain that you're too fast, please try to understand)

greatest strengths:
patient
easygoing
team player
calming influence
steady, stable
good follow-through (to follow through means "to press on in an activity or process especially to a conclusion")

natural limitations:
indecisive
over accommodating
too passive
sensitive
(comments: i'm not always indecisive. i usually just like to take my time before making a decision. and sometimes i just simply want my friend to make the decision. of course if he/she tells me to do something stupid, then that's something else. yeah, i can be sensitive at times. people close to me know this!)

communication:
two-way
best listener
empathetic
feedback
(comments: yeah, they say that i am a good listener and i like that about me (the test says i'm the best though, hehe)

fears:
loss of stability
(comments: ehhh, no comment. i just don't know what to comment, that's all)

love language:
appreciation (loves to give and receive appreciation)
(comments: soooo true.)

under pressure:
acquiesces (accepts, complies, or submits tacitly or passively)
tolerates
complies
(comments: i think this is the part where i've become "too nice")

money viewed as a means of:
showing love
(comments: i like to give the best gifts to my friends. if i could afford it, i'd give you the best)

decision making:
relational: trusts others
(comments: yeah, i am a very trusting person and that is why i expect others to be readily trusting [of me] also. i get offended when others - a few people come to mind - think i would do something bad to them or i would double cross them. cynicism gets to me)

greatest needs:
status quo/stability
time to adjust to changes
sincere appreciation
(comments: about needing time to adjust to changes, i'm not sure about that. because i'm a pretty flexible person, i can adapt well to different situations or environments (or so i think). yeah, appreciate me sincerely only please. hehe)

recharge:
"nothing" time
(comments: it speaketh for itself)

other qualities:
supportive, soft-hearted, very relational, great counselor, enjoys the presence of people, relaxed around people, warm, loves to embrace, can listen to a person talk for long periods of time without feeling the need to interrupt (listens intently to the whole narrative before speaking), responsive, likes to ask specific questions, takes time in making decisions, prefers to do one thing at a time, does not like to be rushed, follows directions carefully...

and other stuff that i'm now too bored to type. i'll talk more about this later.

personality test

2006-01-25T12:26:00.000+08:00

i'm going to take one today, from a real pyschologist. can't wait to see the results so i can finally get the verdict on my [insert any real or invented word synonymous to eccentric] personality.

i know i should be going now...

off to the doctor's office!

@#$%&*!!!!!

2006-01-25T10:18:00.000+08:00

i'm sick (really sick) and tired of this stupid crappy cough that won't #@$%^&*** go away. it sucks the worst in the morning.

going to the hospital today to have my lungs taken out.

this cough and phlegm frenzy is sick sick sick.

i hate phlegm. such a fancy spelling for something so disturbing.

i'm on my 4th bottle of medicine. the stupid drugstore must have sold me placebos.

i don't even know anymore if it's been 4 or 5 weeks now. it's a world record.

crap.

this time it's love (?)

2006-01-24T16:00:00.000+08:00

(tamia)

i built a wall around this heart of mine.
never letting no one in;
didn't think i need a friend.
until now, feeling this way won't do;
i'm ready to give all of me.
the question that i have of you:

will he say the things he needs to say?
or touch me in a certain way?
i told myself just to be strong;
one day the man will come along.
what will i do?
where will i go?
when it's my turn, how will i know
that you're the man i'm dreaming of?
i hope this time it's love.

(i'm not going to post the full lyrics because right now the above words are the only ones that are applicable to me... maybe someday soon i'll post the rest of the song =))

pictures make me happy

2006-01-24T02:06:00.000+08:00

morlock

yes, it's a broken wing. but no need to feel sorry for her.

jaden

all photos by biko except the one of jaden :)

today's quote

2006-01-23T15:50:00.000+08:00

true love cannot be found where it ~~does not exist~~ nor can it be hidden where it does.

medium mermaid

2006-01-21T18:57:00.000+08:00

i went swimming today. darn, i don't swim as fast anymore. is that how it is when you're getting older? i was #2 in high school, i didn't swim in college, and now it takes effort to hold my breath underwater for long periods of time and it takes effort for me to sink. i'm now a human floatation device. sucks.

what's worse is that i didn't even tan. i started hanging out at the pool at around 11AM and didn't leave until sundown but nothing happened. everyone else became darker except me. why?!?!?! i wish i had my own tanning bed. i'll try to achieve that this year, i'll get a tan!! i remember using a self-tanning lotion back in high school (it was the banana boat brand), but i turned orange. never used it again.

i'm just tired of looking like this:

dyeing my hair is not an option. i don't want any hair color other than black. so i'd rather darken my skin than make my hair lighter. i'm anti-dye. if you like to color your hair, fine by me. just keep the bleach away from me. sounds like a poem.

i'll sit under the sun tomorrow morning.

here's jaden:

feels like it's just you and me

2006-01-21T00:06:00.000+08:00

i'm having a moment...

it feels as if everyone is gone (they're sleeping) and it's just me and my God.

just how close are we, really? how intimate can i possibly be with you? am i taking advantage of my right to behold God? do i fear you? am i in awe of you?

closer than close could be
there's no fear in my veins
just the thrill of beholding your face
oh what a face, so kind that it would look at me
when a holy God should by all means hold contempt for me
but his only Son took my place
so that my Father could behold my face
and now your face, O Lord, your face i will seek...

-carmina

whom have i in heaven but you? and earth has nothing i desire besides you. psalm 73:25

this post won't do it justice

2006-01-19T23:31:00.000+08:00

i had so much fun today. is it still my birthday? feels like it.

so i met up with michael at exactly 1PM at this bookstore at the mall. we both made it on time and i was so happy-o to see him. i noticed he was holding this little plastic bag from a different bookstore and i asked him what book he bought. he said it's a gift for his friend. he didn't answer my question so i teased him and said it's probably for michelle. he said he didn't have a friend by that name. of course, i was making it up. i offered to put the book in my bag so he won't have to carry it around, but he said it's ok, he didn't want me to break it or something like that, i forgot. then we transferred to a less crowded mall and had lunch at this place called green tomato. i didn't mention it to him, but it was a pizza and pasta place -just what i wanted. ha! it was good. so we talked and talked (and i coughed and coughed, i'm so gross) then out of the blue (i don't know why, maybe i just love my b-day a lot) i mentioned to him that i just had my 26th b-day last week. then he said, "really?" i said, "yes, and you didn't greet me. hmp." then he said, "i'll just give this to you then." he was talking about the gift that was supposedly for his fictitious friend michelle. i said no way, that's for michelle, i can't accept it. then he said it's okay he can just buy another one for her. then i kind of over-reacted and said, "no, no, no!!! you can't do that! she's going to get mad, you should give that to her. it's hers." and i pushed it away. then he said he was only kidding, it was really for me. aaaaack! i was soooo touched, i didn't expect it at all. so i was super embarrassed and thanked him profusely. i thought it was very sweet of him. haha. i already loved it even while it was still wrapped with a flowery wrapper and a pretty lacey ribbon because it was so very thoughtful of him. i was so happy but i didn't open it at once, i just held on to it for the next 30 minutes or so.

after lunch we checked out the rest of the mall. i saw this nice store that showcased these really beautiful grandfather clocks and cuckoo clocks. i loved that store. by the way, it wasn't my first time to go to that mall, but i rarely (i mean rarely) went there so i was still getting used to the sights and sounds and the high-end stores. michael probably noticed that i looked spaced out so he asked me about a hundred times if i was okay. haha. of course i was, but i hated my sneakers today because it gave me blisters on the back of my right foot. well it was partly my fault because when i got home i realized that i'd worn my right shoe wrong. my shoe has this little flap on the back with the logo and i accidentally grabbed it with my heel. so it got stuck inside the shoe, right behind the top of my heel, and gave me a freaking painful time. i don't know if you were able to visualize that, but just take my word for it, it hurt. but i didn't die so i was still aok.

then after walking we sat down for coffee. i asked michael to get me an americano. so that's what he did, he asked the coffee guy for an americano. hehe. then i couldn't wait anymore so i opened my gift. he first warned me to keep it away from stuff like atm cards or cellphones or cd's if i didn't want to lose any data. i asked him if it's a giant magnet, he said it could be. i opened it very very slowly. i like to keep myself in suspense. it was placed inside a white box which was taped very securely. so i removed all of the tapes first because i'd hate to open the box with one side still attached to the base, you know what i mean? i wanted to open it by lifting the top cover vertically. haha. i opened the box and the thing inside looked so familiar, but this one was really beautiful!!!! it's an orange metal bible, new living translation!!!! haha, you should've seen my face when i opened it. i gave michael a hug and i'm sure he could see how happy i was. i already have a metal bible but it's silver and it also has a magnetic closure. he'd seen it before that's why he warned me to keep it away fom stuff like atm cards because that's how i ruined my card before. i remember looking at my bible a couple of days ago and thinking to myself that i needed to get a new one because the pages were already yellow. hey, hey, hey, and now i got a new one and it's even better. it's not the same color as in the picture, it's way prettier, and it says "one way" in the front. yeah, one way jesus! weeee! by the way, inside the bible was a little card that he signed with a cute message: "i am glad you're still the lovely butterfly that i was fortunate enough to know. happy birthday!" ~biko (there's a story behind his nickname and he was surprised to know that i could still remember it.)

and this is the poem he wrote for me last year:

she is free of her chrysalis
she is fluttering away
she has survived the night
and is embracing the day
the breeze she rides
her soul she lifts
the sky she touches
with angels she drifts
she is free of her chrysalis
she is fluttering away
she is a butterfly
heaven would say

lovely.

gosh, it didn't end there. michael thought it would be nice to check out the sunset. i said sure and silly me thought he meant we could watch it from behind the large windows at the top floor of the mall. duh. so he nicely explained to me (hehe) that we could go to baywalk and watch the sunset from there. so i said, "ohhhh. sure!" haha. so that's what we did. around 4PM we left the coffee place and started walking to the train station. i raced with him to the ticket booth so i can pay for both our tickets (it's the least i could do, he insisted on paying for lunch and coffee) and since i don't commute much, i acted like a smartypants and asked the guy at the booth for two tickets going to roxas boulevard. which didn't make any sense because there's no stopover at roxas blvd. hehe. michael helped me out and said we're going to taft avenue. so we got the tickets and inside the train i didn't feel like taking a seat so we rode in style - standing up. i held onto the metal railing because there's no way i'm touching one of those hanging loops because they look too germy. at least the metal rails are shiny and smooth and help make me believe that they're a lot cleaner. when we reached taft avenue, we passed through this bookstore and near the exit was an old guy with white hair and white skin cooling himself by the electric fan. (no offense to him or to anybody, but i couldn't tell if he was caucasian or if he had albinism). he looked at me and out of the blue said, "i miss you!" michael heard it too and he's now a witness that strange people say strange things to me in the street or wherever. then we took a cab from there going to this nice spot at roxas boulevard to watch the sun. i asked for a bet and said that the sun would set at 5:57PM, and he said 6:30PM. well, we both lost because it just hid behind some clouds instead of sinking into the sea. i had fun taking pictures and just hanging out. my hair was a mess, my face was oily, i looked unkempt, but he kept taking pictures and videos of me taking pictures. now they're in his possession for possible future blackmail. then at around 6:15 or so it was time to leave because my dad was going to pick me up at galleria at 8PM. a funny thing happened on the way back, but i can't tell anyone because i have been sworn to secrecy. haha!

that was that, i had fun, i was glad to see my friend. i thanked him and told him that he blessed me so much today. he just knew how to make a friend feel extra special. everyone ought to have a friend like that.

:)

weee! i have a new bible!!!!

manila bay

2006-01-19T22:36:00.000+08:00

rocks

funny looking boat

a hole in the ground

dragon boat racers

birds feeding. my fave out of all the photos

orange ripples

bird

this photo taken by my friend michael

write rite right

2006-01-18T01:26:00.000+08:00

i seldom write anymore, i keep posting pics. yes, i'm addicted to autophotography and palportraiture.

i saw the chronicles of narnia on tuesday with friends and thought it was okay.

you know what else i saw? a dead guy sprawled on the pavement in commonwealth avenue. there had been an accident and i saw blood... may he rest in peace. first time i ever saw a dead person outside of a coffin.

a stranger murmured something to me again while i was crossing the street. haha. but that's only the first one this month. i dunno, i guess weird people like to talk to me. like one time i was watching a gig with my friends... then some of them went outside to get something. then claire, who was with me, went to the restroom. then this drunken guy sitting at a table nearby stood up and took claire's seat. i forgot what he said, i mean i didn't care. why would i listen to an old, smelly, drunken guy, right? but i remember i prayed in tongues, hehe. then when he noticed i wasn't paying attention, he just left, without any of my friends seeing what had happened. but i told them and the next thing we knew the drunken guy was arguing with his drinking buddies and they started breaking bottles... hehe. my friend mike said i probably possess extra animalistic qualities that's why i seem to attract weird people. and did i mention that people who solicit donations, supposedly for charitable institutions, like to approach me? if i were with 50 friends and we were sitting at a table, the solicitor would most likely hand the soliciting letter to me. it's funny.

hey, i think i'm well on my way to getting better after weeks of snot surplus. i still have a nasty cough though (connie kept asking me if i'd already taken my medicine everytime i would cough in between narnia scenes). but i am happy that i can now smell myself and the world around me. oh, and i can now taste food!!!! the fries and the bacon cheeseburger at the movies were fantastic.

yay!

missing

2006-01-17T02:30:00.000+08:00

someone told me today that he misses me. i asked him what he meant. i asked him because whenever i miss somebody, i immediately start thinking of reasons why i miss the person. that's how i am sometimes, i want to know everything, what you mean when you say something as sweet as "i miss you"... there has got to be an explanation for it.

i like to be close to people. and when we stop being close, i start missing them. but not to the point that i'd drive myself crazy :) i guess you miss people when they're... missing? i always mean it when i tell a person "i miss you". there are different meanings to it but to me it mostly means, wish you were there with me when i was having fun, hearing a good joke, eating a nice dessert, seeing a funny thing happen, etc.... so that we could share the pleasure of it.

for me, one paraphrase of "i miss you" is, "i wish you didn't miss out on this wonderful thing that just happened to me. i would have loved for you to be part of the memory."

it's nice to be a part of someone's memory. to me it means you didn't miss out on that significant moment in their life. whether good or bad.

now it's different when you miss somebody because it seems they don't want you to be part of their memory anymore...

nice

2006-01-16T19:29:00.000+08:00

i've been eating smaller portions. carmina's been eating smaller portions. can you believe it? and i can't believe how i used to be able to consume meals that i now have to share with apple and yet still have some left over. i'm still perplexed...

yesterday i got this terrific dvd discussion book from don as a birthday gift. it's a 15-minute film and the one he gave me is called "dust". here's the description:

believing in God is important, but what about God believing in us? believing that we can actually be the kind of people we were meant to be. people of love, compassion, peace, forgiveness, and hope. people who try to do the right thing all of the time. who act on the endless opportunities around us every day for good, beauty, and truth. it’s easy for us to sometimes get down on ourselves. to feel "not good enough" or feel like we don’t have what it takes. but maybe if we had more insight into the culture that Jesus grew up in and some of the radical things he did, we’d understand the faith that God has in all of us.

you can learn more about it here. good things come in small packages.

speaking of which, i got one from apple. inside the little tiny paper bag is a cute note and a pot of yummy yummy lip balm :D

smaller portions, short film, little tiny paper bag, small packages, cute note... i sense a theme here.

and i like the saying, "don't sweat the small stuff." worry has never added a single hour to anybody's life.

but you know what, right now i have this big zit on my nose... SIGH.

haha

2006-01-15T23:59:00.001+08:00

during bible snoozy
rommel was on decaf

i'm still sick :(

2006-01-14T21:43:00.000+08:00

my head hurts
my face hurts
my nose hurts
i've been coughing
i'm feverish
i woke up with asthma and wheezing this morning
(but i had a nice dream... can't tell it here)

when am i going to get well?
it's been 3 weeks now... :(

but this sickness will not stop me from worshiping God
i went to church tonight
once i had to go out because my throat was itchy and i coughed and coughed
i saw my niece jaden :)
she's so big now!
then i bought a new shirt
i look so much slimmer now :)
yay, i lost 6 pounds!
went grocery shopping with my mom and dad

me, my dad, mom, and sister went to a korean store near our home
we bought noodles and had a noodle party at home
i ate yakisoba for dinner. it's korean but looks and tastes like the japanese noodles

then i made a chocolate and banana shake
here's how i make it:

1 tall glass ice cold milk
1-2 tablespoons drinking cocoa, unsweetened
2 tablespoons of sugar (add more or less accdg to your taste. if you use sweetened cocoa, you can skip the sugar)
1 ripe banana, 2 if you're banana crazy
a few drops vanilla extract (you don't want to put too much of this)
1 big scoop vanilla ice cream
if you want it extra special, put in a few squirts of chocolate syrup like hershey's
about 4-5 ice cubes

blend in blender
share and drink with a friend

monday i will go to see dr. david
he was my doctor when i was small
he treated my asthma when i was 3 years old, the other times i can't remember
i hated those treatments and always will
i know i should have gone to the doctor 2 weeks ago but i kept thinking i would soon get well.

aaaaaarghhhh!!!!
i hate all viruses.

retake

2006-01-14T15:13:00.000+08:00

take the quiz at dicepool.com

you are the large, round, friendly d20! (you probably didn't know this, but the shape of the twenty-sided die is called an icosahedron.) you are the friendly, outgoing, outspoken, leader of friends. you are often looked up to, even though you don't normally deserve it. most other types secretly wish they were you, and you'd give them tips on how, if only you had a clue yourself. your charisma is often all you need, but you have your occasional moments of brilliance as well--just never when it's actually needed. you are the all-around good guy, a dependable chum, a respectable foe, and an inspiration to those who need one. who says you can't get by on a smile and good looks alone?

lookalikes?

2006-01-13T19:34:00.000+08:00

i got this from myheritage.com face recognition. my friends are going to love me for this.

click photo to enlarge

click photo to enlarge

click photo to enlarge

haha! that's what you get for wearing those silly glasses

click to enlarge photo
the resemblances are uncanny

this ire.

2006-01-13T12:33:00.000+08:00

dying to my desires...

every single day...

it's the only way to go...

the only way i know...

to get to you.

whatta week

2006-01-13T00:16:00.000+08:00

psalm 28:7
the LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and i am helped. my heart leaps for joy and i will give thanks to him in song.

i feel great!!!!

so many things happened the past week.

i turned 26 last monday! woohoo!

since my birthday fell on the 4th day of fasting, i didn't get to feast with my friends, but that's okay. spent the eve of my b-day with friends. that was a sunday, so i was also in church. i love my friends, some of them stayed late just to spend time with me even though they were tired and hungry.

on the 9th (my b-day) i went to our 12NN prayer meeting to sing, then i went home. i was supposed to go back and attend the 6PM prayer meeting, but i felt feverish so i just stayed home. i still have a cold and cough by the way. after more than 2 weeks!!!!! imagine. i'm absolutely tired of blowing my nose and coughing :( but like i said, i feel great... inside!

*cough* *cough*... excuse me.

i feel great because i got an answered prayer. let me tell you about it.

last sunday, i sang in church as usual. i was asked to sing one of the worship songs. it's called "saving grace." well, i messed it up. i love that song and hopefully the song loves me too. but when i'm asked to sing it, we just couldn't come to terms. then again there were other underlying issues...

i was nervous, terrified, scared, name it... i just didn't feel comfortable singing that song. my voice was obviously shaky and i was obviously nervous. it sucked. i wanted to crawl under a rock, jump off a bridge...

then after the service some of my friends asked me, "were you nervous? were you too shy to sing solo in front of people?"

yes, i was nervous and i hated it. no matter how much i tried to focus on God, i still got nervous, and i absolutely hated it!

that's why i wanted to jump off a bridge and never show my face again. lame, i know.

i've been in the music team for almost 3 years and i still get so scared whenever i'm asked to sing solo. so i thought, that's the last time i'm ever going to sing solo in front of the congregation or anyone for that matter. i don't want to mess up worship time because i couldn't sing the song right when i'm asked to lead. so i told that to God, that i wasn't going to sing again (and other things i can't mention here). and i thought he was going to help me sing my part that day, but i failed... no matter how much i tried to concentrate or focus on him. i even prayed for confidence the night before and i thought "saving grace" was going to be a breeze! because you see when i'm all by myself i sound okay, but when i'm in front of other people it's as if someone else is singing from inside of me. and boy, did i need grace to sing that song...

so i went home after church... church includes hanging out with church friends... so after we hung out i went home, thanked God for the nice time i had with my friends, and then i cried...

i complained about how i sounded awful when i sang in the 9 and 11 AM services. actually i think i did better in the 11AM service, but it still wasn't my best. it was mortifying specially because i was leading the song but i was overwhelmed by nerves that i couldn't give God my all and these people were counting on me, the song leader, to lead them.

i poured out my heart to God (i'm a such a drama queen before God, hihi) and told him i was sorry for the negative things i said/thought to myself. and then he revealed something to me...

i have a fear of being heard because when i was about 8 years old (i've loved to sing since i was young), i was singing and humming something and my older sister jeered at me and said, "sintunado!" which means tone deaf. i could still remember where in the house she told me that. so everytime she would hear me sing, she would laugh and tell me that i'm tone deaf. so i made a vow that i would never let anybody hear me sing again. and that's what i did. whenever i would hear somebody approaching or when i know they're within earshot, i would immediately stop singing. i've been doing that here at home for the last 18 years of my life. i have no problem singing with a group, but when i'm asked to sing solo, it gets so hard on me because i had that deep seated fear of being derided. that's why whenever i would sing, i would have to think of every note to make sure that i sing it right. but the thing is, the more self-concious you get, the more you'll sing off key. and when i sing off key in front of hundreds of people, i become miserable.

i'd often wondered why some singers just sing... without having to think of every single note to be sung and just do their thing while i always had to literally rehearse the notes in my head first before singing (specially between verses, so i would hit the first note). and like i said, the more i did that, the more i sang off-key and it's really frustrating. the more i communicated that to God, the more i understood. i was simply fearful of being judged and i'd carried that for many many years which did nothing for me but tarnish my talent. that's why i became so hard on myself, that i have to sing perfectly or else someone will laugh and tell me i'm tone deaf. i know i am not tone deaf because a vocal teacher told me and so did one of our musical arrangers when he auditioned me for the music team. i'm actually very good at detecting a note that is "out of tune", if you know what i mean. it just didn't make sense to me at all that i have keen ears but a different tune would come out of my mouth when i sing. something is very wrong there, my voice couldn't possibly have a mind of its own (but i used to say that a lot as an excuse). so i had to be set free from the fear of being rejected, judged, jeered at.

i cried and cried and cried... and cried. it was my b-day and i thought i was doomed to be ugly for that day with my puffy eyes. why, oh why. this may be so shallow for most people, but you know what, there is life and death in the power of the tongue. i was young, i was told that i couldn't do it, so i crawled under a rock and just sang from under there for most of my life. but thanks to him who says to me,

my dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely. (songs 2:14)

so i prayed to God and told him that i completely forgive my sister. she still doesn't know the (negative) impact her words made on me, but i love my sister and i don't hold a grudge against her. and i also asked God to release me from the vow i made when i was so young. God forgave me and released me from that little vow... ( 1 john 1:9 if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.) then...

i felt that God wanted me to sing for him right then and there while i sobbed (plus i had to blow my nose in between sobs. i'm still miss snot-a-lot. Lord, heal me!). i told him, "but i don't want to sing anymore, i sound awful." but you know when God says something, i had better obey it so when he urged my heart again to sing i said, "okay, i'll sing but from under the pillow (*pout*)." hehe, i'm such a baby. i didn't want anybody to hear me because it was the wee hours of the morning. remember, i'd been used to keeping my voice from being heard in our home. so i got my big pillow, covered my face and sang. you know what, i sounded so...

donkey-ish. it was terrible! so i complained to God why he would ask me to sing if i was just going to sound like an ass. i said, "why can't i sing like such and such person?" then he said, "because you're not singing as yourself. i want you to sing as carmina." sigh. so i said okay and then i removed the pillow.

then i sang. for the first time i really sang. without fear, i sang!

i didn't have to think of every note, but my voice floated and it felt so wonderful to sing so free! at first i couldn't believe it, so i tested my newfound talent and got a bunch of lyrics and sang to the Lord until well past 3AM. it was true! i was singing my heart out, i was singing all the right notes, and i didn't have any fear at all!

of course it doesn't mean that i am now perfect and will never again sing a wrong note in my life. hey, it happens to the best of singers. what i am most thrilled about is that God made it all right. it's not so much about the technical side of singing, but more on God setting me free... i'm no longer a lark in a cage or a dove under the rock. talents are given to every person for a purpose and i choose to glorify God with the gifts he has given me.

and you know what, my name means SONG.

(that's why i do NOT like it when people call me "mina" or any other shorterned version of carmina - car, car-car, carmi... just eew)

so that was how my birthday started :)

and then the other stuff you'll have to ask me personally if you want to hear about them :)

last day of fasting

2006-01-12T10:53:00.000+08:00

today i eat solid food!!!!!!

january 9

2006-01-11T22:24:00.000+08:00

happy 26th, baby
here's to vanity

my last post till next week

2006-01-05T01:30:00.000+08:00

my nose is runny, my right ear is blocked (from blowing my nose) and i am half deaf. i've been trying to unblock my ears (you know, by holding my nose and blowing) but it's not working. this is the worst cold i have ever had. it sucks, need i say more? i hate it, i hate it, i hate it.

well, see you on the 13th!

---
update! i was able to unblock my ear by doing a headstand. that's right, a headstand not a handstand. eureka, it worked! i'm not making this up. i should have this method patented! i'm making a moment in eustachian tube history and you saw it here first!!!!

????

2006-01-05T01:00:00.000+08:00

His permanent possession

2006-01-04T14:51:00.000+08:00

"...i want to know that i belong to you, that you really own me. i want to be yours, i want you to take ownership of me, i want you to possess me."

that was my prayer to God this morning.

i started reading in the book of galatians. in chapter 3 it talks about putting your faith in Christ and not in religion. i read about abraham and his faith, and how God delared him righteous because of his faith. i read about God's promise to abraham...

God promised this Good News to abraham long ago when he said, "all nations will be blessed through you." and so it is: all who put their faith in Christ share the same blessing abraham received because of his faith. (galatians 3:8-9)

i asked, "and what is this blessing again?" so i turned to genesis 22 and read the part where God tested abraham's obedience.

"this is what the LORD says: because you have obeyed me and have not withheld even your beloved son, I swear by my own self that I will bless you richly. I will multiply your descendants into countless millions, like the stars of the sky and the sand on the seashore. they will conquer their enemies, and through your descendants, all the nations of the earth will be blessed--all because you have obeyed me." (genesis 22:16-18)

"wow, when i put my faith in Christ, all these blessings became mine, too?" if God promised it, then it's true and i had better believe and receive it.

then i continued to read through chapter 23, the burial of sarah.

abraham was in a foreign land at the time of his wife's death, so he went to the elders to purchase a piece of land for a burial plot. the elders said that because abraham was an honored prince among them, it would be a privilege to have him choose the finest of their tombs, even without payment. abraham chose the cave of machpelah that belonged to a certain man named ephron, who sat among the elders.

ephron told abraham that he could have the cave and the field for free. but abraham wanted to pay the full price for the field so that he might have a permanent burial place for his family. ephron finally agreed and gave him the price saying, "the land is worth four hundred pieces of silver, but what is that between friends? go ahead and bury your dead." so abraham paid it in full - 400 pieces of silver, as was publicly agreed. so that piece of land became abraham's property, and he himself was buried there with his wife sarah when he died.

right then and there i realized that God did the same thing for me. Jesus Christ, the most honored Prince, paid the full price for my redemption by dying publicly on the cross. the wages of my sin is death, but Jesus paid it in full. he knew that it would cost him EVERYTHING, but he laid down his life for me as if to say, "what is that between friends?"

My command is this: love each other as i have loved you. greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. (john 15:12-13)

for you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. (1 peter 1:17-19)

i was not paid for with corruptible things, like silver or gold, but with the precious lifeblood of Christ.

and that was how i became his permanent possession.

God had already answered my prayer 2000 years ago on the cross. and i'm glad he reminded me today.

for ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.
(1 corinthians 6:20, kjv)

15 years later...

2006-01-03T22:45:00.000+08:00

my cousin christine

little cousin faith, christine, me.
they also have a brother who was only 3 years old when we first met in 1990. he's now very tall and handsome. it's such a weird feeling to see your cousins all grown up because it could only mean two things: 1) you're older than them, and 2) you're now old :)

finally saw my relatives today! after 15 loooong years. i was specially happy to see christine and her siblings. they came to manila to vacation and tomorrow they're going to boracay :)

chris looks different, i look different, but the bond is still there. it's really interesting because it was like i'm hearing her voice for the first time. and this time we didn't just talk about toys or playtime or swimming in auntie' beck's pool. we talked about grown-up stuff. it's a real privilege to have a friend or relative with whom you can remain friends despite any long-term/distance separation.

so we had dinner someplace (the food was delicious, i still feel so full). after that chris and i sat at a separate table to chat. she asked me some personal stuff which i didn't mind sharing. i told her at least a couple of my secrets :) she was so cute because when we were still sitting at the other table, she would whisper to me if it's a personal question. so i also did the same to her, and when our parents saw us giggling to ourselves, it amused them :) i guess me and christine didn't really grow up in that sense. when we were kids, the two of us were always together even if other kids were around and we giggled a lot.

we hope to see them again on the 6th because they're already leaving on the 8th. sigh. there just isn't enough time to catch up. but i am very happy to see her. she also loves the Lord Jesus, by the way :)

hey, i'm still sick. i'm still coughing and snotting all over the place :( please say a little prayer for me so that i'll be okay pretty soon :) i hope you're all healthy and well and gaining weight just like me. hahaha. hey, our corporate 7-day prayer and fasting is only 3 days away, and i'm sure to lose 5-7 lbs after one week!!! maybe i should post before and after photos :) :) :) i swear, i lose weight pretty fast. i can't wait!

friendster message from india

2006-01-01T23:01:00.000+08:00

i have a caption in my friendster profile that says, "REAL Beauty comes from JESUS within!" -Carmina Beatrix

it caught someone's attention. i got this message from him:

Krishna wrote:
Real beauty come from 'Yourself' within. There is no jesus nor any other form of so called unknown, un-seen and only heard-of god.

btw, i liked the banana pic. made me smile ;-)

i gave this reply:

Well, for me JESUS is very real and my own life is a testimony of his goodness, mercy, and love. And I will not stop living for Him! I used to think the same, that He was merely an "unknown, unseen and only heard-of god." But when I gave my life to Him, He became the most real thing in my life and He always will be. I pray that you will get to know Him and experience Him for yourself.

Glad you liked the banana pic.

my heart aches for this person. people like him are the very reason why i'm going to the nations. to tell them about Jesus and his love for them. i don't care what people say. i know the depth of mire from which i was drawn. therefore i will not be able to shut up about God's saving grace even if i tried. he's the reason why i live and i will live to tell about him!

i believe in Jesus, and there will always be people who will try to refute my beliefs or my Lord's existence. but i will not ever be worried about Jesus' renown because:

though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God. he made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. and in human form he obediently humbled himself even further by dying a criminal's death on a cross. because of this, God raised him up to the heights of heaven and gave him a name that is above every other name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (philippians 2:6-11)

today, my tongue confesses Jesus Christ as the Lord of my life. it was the same tongue that used to curse and hate God. let me share with you the lyrics of our offering number at the 11 AM service on new year's day. it's a summary of what i want to futher say:

what the world will never take

with all i'm holding inside
with all my hopes and desires
and all the dreams that i've dreamt

with all i'm hoping to be
and all that the world will bring
and all that fails to compare

you say you want all of me
i wouldn't have it any other way

i've got a Savior and he's living in me
oh i wanna know
i wanna know you today

and you're the best thing that has happened to me
and the world will never take
the world will never take you away

no one could ever take you away

no one could ever take him away no matter what!

haha! i want one of these! seriously!

2006-01-01T01:34:00.000+08:00

hey, it's saturday!

2005-12-31T13:25:00.000+08:00

and it's the last day of 2005. and i have the flu. i'm not going to spend the new year with it so on with the drugs!

i'm spending new year's eve with my family, then i'll be at the 11 AM service tomorrow singing my heart out. i'm not going to let some microbe get the better of me. i'm excited to see everyone tomorrow. it'll be fun!

our corporate prayer and fasting will be on january 6-12. that means, no blogging for me during that time. i want to reserve that special week for seeking God's will in my life and for praying/interceding for my loved ones. i love that part of the year, it's just full of wonderful testimonies of God's loving-kindness.

every year we put up huge trash bins on both sides of the pulpit. those are for disposing personal belongings that people want to do away with for good because they want to completely and totally surrender everything to the lordship of Christ.

therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. (hebrews 12:1)

stuff to be thrown away could be anything like dirty magazines, love letters, jewelry, clothing, lucky charms, etc. basically anything that is tied to sin and idolatry, anything at all that the individual knows to be a hindrance to the success of his/her Christian life. it's a matter of personal conviction. for example, i have at home several bottles of wine and alcohol but i don't see a need for me to throw them away because i don't have a drinking problem. but if i were a long-time alcoholic who wants to seriously say goodbye to drunkenness because it has affected my life and my relationship with God, by personal conviction i will have to make the decision to throw away every bottle of alcohol in my home. partner that act of faith with prayer and fasting and i'll be sure to have a breakthrough from God. then all the stuff gets smashed and burned after 7 days.

i have thrown stuff in the previous years and will throw more stuff (things i didn't know i still had) on the 6th. the very first stuff i threw away were quite expensive. they were gifts fom my ex-boyfriend including a ralph lauren handbag, crystal encrusted chloe sunglasses, and some pieces of philippe charriol jewelry that i gave to him. i also threw away dozens of kurt cobain memorabilia, along with the nirvana box set that i never let anybody touch. when i gave my life to Christ, those things didn't matter to me anymore. they became worthless...

i once thought all these things were so very important, but now i consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. i have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that i may have Christ and become one with him. i no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God's law, but i trust Christ to save me. for God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith. (philippians 3:7-9 )

i went to the very site where the stuff were being burned and when i saw them going up in flames right in front of my eyes, it made me feel so darned good. i had a profound attachment to those things, so it was a real moment of victory to have them detached from me. i finally said adios to my past and it was all worth it. anyway...

happy new year to one and all!

hear my heart think

2005-12-30T21:52:00.000+08:00

God, there is still so much work to be done in me. but i don't see you giving up.

i have fears, longings, insecurities. and, sadly, regrets... but i also have God and he is greater than all the things i mentioned.

i just hate it when i learn something new and then forget it at the end of the day. i know God taught me something this afternoon, but right now i feel dumb or maybe just amnesic.

but i came up with a new song:

deep inside my heart is a treasure
that no man can see
deep inside my heart is a throne
upon which my King rests
deep inside my heart is a door
that swings open for the Lord to enter
deep inside my heart is a song
whose melody only i know
Jesus, you are that song in my heart.....

Lord, i don't have to be afraid. all i need to do when i'm scared is to sing that song... sing your name and i'll be okay.

i'm currently reading "extravagant worship" by darlene zschech. i got it as a Christmas gift from my brother jules. darn, that book is helping expose things about me that i don't really want to know about! but it's good. i might read it a second time to highlight the stuff that i want to remember. i have a love-hate relationship with that book. i love it because it's easy to read but makes so much sense. i hate it because it speaks the truth and it hurts! anyone who wants to be an extravagant* worshiper ought to read it :)

here's a teeny portion of chapter four (emotional fervor), page 92:

musicians, writers, painters, and dancers are among the creative people who are often labeled as moody, focused, intense, passionate, emotional, fragile, weird, and just too "in touch with their feelings." art galleries often post biographical captions by artists' names describing them as "tortured artists." too often creative people live in turmoil and torment because their emotional side is the part of themselves that can bring such depth of expression. but emotions can also keep them from great achievements.

then skip a few paragraphs to page 94:

when michelangelo was 22-years old, he wrote to his father and said, "do not wonder if i have sometimes written irritable letters, for i often suffer great distresses of mind and temper." even as a young man he was full of depth and brilliance, but he was basically saying, "don't worry about me, dad. these emotions are within me, and i just don't quite know what to do with them."

(skip one paragraph)

we are all designed to be creative, in the image of our creative Lord. even as creative, healthy, Word-loving Christians, we still experience a vast range of emotions. the goal is not to let our "feelings" rule us but to submit our emotions to the Lord. as we yield our negative thoughts to him, he gives us his positive Word. we can truly say, "the joy of the Lord is my strength" (nehemiah 8:10).

i have always been emotional. if i am not careful, my emotions can suck me in like a vortex. i have to daily make the decision that i will not let my emotions control me. i'm telling you, i'd be completely shipwrecked if not for the Captain/Anchor of my soul, Jesus Christ.

here are the very beautiful lyrics of the song, "i've anchored in jesus":

upon life’s boundless ocean where mighty billows roll,
i’ve fixed my hope in Jesus, blest anchor of my soul;
when trials fierce assail me as storms are gathering o’er,
i rest upon his mercy and trust him more.

i’ve anchored in Jesus, the storms of life i’ll brave,
i’ve anchored in Jesus, i fear no wind or wave.
i’ve anchored in Jesus, for he hath power to save,
i’ve anchored to the rock of ages.

he keeps my soul from evil and gives me blessed peace,
his voice hath stilled the waters and bid their tumult cease;
my Pilot and Deliverer, to him i all confide,
for always when i need him, he’s at my side.

he is my Friend and Savior, in him my anchor’s cast,
he drives away my sorrows and shields me from the blast;
by faith i’m looking upward beyond life’s troubled sea,
there i behold a haven prepared for me.

Jesus alone can make me soooo secure.

* as defined by the merriam-webster online dictionary: exceeding the limits of reason or necessity; lacking in moderation, balance, and restraint; extremely or excessively elaborate; profuse, lavish...

cashew and chocolate tawrts :)

2005-12-29T23:37:00.000+08:00

my long time friend jihann made these for me:

they were delicious :)

and then we had a brownout...

boo!

and then this morning i got the cold virus :(

opinions, anyone?

2005-12-29T12:39:00.000+08:00

the results of your analysis say:

you plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry.

you are a social person who likes to talk and meet others.

you are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody!

you enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

my new year's resolution

2005-12-28T16:04:00.000+08:00

hosea 6:3

"...oh, that we might know the LORD!

let us press on to know him!

then he will respond to us

as surely as the arrival of dawn

or the coming of rains in early spring."

i want to know God more and more. and as the promise says, "as surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to [me] like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."

because to know him is to love him :)

just here

2005-12-26T21:54:00.000+08:00

i spent the most part of Christmas day at the mall because that's where we hold our services. we didn't have the regular 9 AM service because people usually sleep in on the 25th. i went to bed at 3 AM and too bad for me i woke up one hour too early at 6:30 AM but i got up (after complaining to God why i'm up so early) then i read my bible and said my prayers. by the way, as i rolled over in bed at around 4:30 AM, i saw that my phone light was flickering, a signal that someone had sent me a text message. it was from my friend ariel and he told me to pray for him and his family because his father passed away after they had their Christmas dinner together. it was just unbelievable and it saddened me. i said a prayer and thankfully i was able to go back to sleep. so i resumed my prayers for ariel and his family when i woke up, and i told the music team about the sad news when i met them for the sound check at 10 AM and we offered prayers for ariel's family. sigh, that's life.... and we must go on.

sooo... i wore a new red top that got tons of compliments. they didn't know that i bought it for less than 100 pesos. except for one woman who approached me just to ask me where i bought it. well, i swore her to secrecy before telling her :) then me and my friends PIGGED OUT the whole day. after all, "'tis the season to be chubby, fa la la la la la la la fat!" hehe. i got to hang out with a new friend, grace, who is also one of the new singers. she was in the choir during the sambang gabi but i didn't get the chance to talk to her then. she didn't want to go home yet so she decided to kill time there at the mall and attended all five services. hehe. but that's not bad at all because the worship service is never boring at vcf. after church was over, we had dinner at this chinese restaurant (as if there's not enough Christmas food at home) and i had lemon chicken with shiny, oily, garlic rice which i shared with my friend mike. oh, we also had dimsum that another friend bought from somewhere else and it was gooood, especially the spicy seafood dumplings. after that we hung out at this coffee place where i had a coffee shake with oreo cookies (forgot what it's called) and that was when grace finally said that my appetite is amazing. it is!

other nice stuff happened in between that i will keep and ponder in my heart :) friends gave me interesting gifts. i love all of the gifts, but 3 of my favorite ones would be the necklace from apple, a shoulder bag from my brother victor, and a book that claire gave to me called "intimate encounters with God." according to the description, it's about "personal stories from women about real-life experiences of God's presence that changed their lives." i thought it was going to be one of those boring and tedious books. but when i saw that every story was only 2 pages short, i was delighted. the first story was very nice and it even made me cry. i'm such a softie, but at least i know i'll enjoy the book from cover to cover.

sigh. i had a nice Christmas. it was simple and i like it that way. it's about m-e-m-o-r-i-e-s. and here's jaden on Christmas day :)

smiling for auntie peewee

i created a new blog last night for pouring out and keeping my innermost thoughts and feelings :) you might think i'm crazy, but it's actually for my future husband. it will be a private blog of letters for him. it will no longer be a secret as soon as we're officially together and i'll even make it public when the time comes.

since it's a only a day after Christmas, let me share with you a little portion of my 2nd post:

i will battle daily to preserve myself in honor of the Lord Jesus Christ who has saved me and made me clean, and because i want to present myself to you as a pure bride. i'm working on having a gentle and quiet spirit and a submissive heart. the day is coming when i will win you over not by fancy hairstyles or expensive clothing, but by an inner beauty that radiates from within.

peter 3:1-6 (new living translation)
...they will be won over by watching your pure, godly behavior. don't be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. you should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. that is the way the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. they trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands.

let me know how you felt when you first found the love that God had put in your heart for me. tell me now.

i can't wait to show it to him! :D

meanwhile, time for some ice cream! at past midnight!

merry Christmas!

2005-12-25T07:47:00.000+08:00

hi everyone! i'm up early today! isn't that something!

right now i'm having my coffee then after that i'll get dressed for church. i had a nice time with my family last night. we all stayed at home, pigged out, gave gifts to each other, and had loads of fun. then it will all resume tonight. sigh.

then a little later Christmas will be over. and when Christmas is over that could only mean i'm days away from having another birthday.

well i gotta go! don't want to be late for the sound check!

i'll try to post something again tonight.

enjoy the holiday, people!

at the hangar

2005-12-23T23:50:00.001+08:00

arranged according to the order of events:

hmm...

2005-12-22T23:23:00.000+08:00

it's very cold tonight, i had to go get a scarf to cover my throat because it feels weird right now. weng was right, i should not have had ice cream after singing (but i really enjoyed it, it was good. i had arce dairy's dark chocolate in a waffle cone. that was my dinner). but i don't think that's what's causing the funny feeling in my throat. i don't feel okay. i haven't been feeling okay since i woke up this morning. i just feel emotional and stuff which is probably causing my body to feel sick...

so i told james about it, how i was feeling. last sunday i prayed for him because of some personal stuff he was going through. and tonight it was his turn to encourage and comfort me. i told him that i was feeling lonely and depressed and i couldn't explain why. not that i couldn't tell him, but i didn't have an explanation for it. i was feeling sad for no apparent reason. after rehearsing and having lunch with the 1 & 3 PM music team (i'm helping them out on sunday), i walked around the mall and was having a pretty bad urge to splurge. it was a good thing that i ended up not buying anything. but there's this nice black thingie that i want to purchase, and maybe i'll get it tomorrow when i'm feeling better. you know what, whenever i enter a clothes shoppe i always make a bee line for the black things. so i did that, then going back to when i was talking to james... he told me about this thing that he had learnt. i already know about it, but God knew that somebody had to remind me. he said that whenever he feels lonely or sad or depressed or discouraged or other negative feeling, he attributes it to one thing: that God is calling him to draw near. and then without james having to tell me, i remembered the "God-shaped vacuum" in every person's heart. then he went on to say that there is nothing in the world that could completely fill every longing in a person's heart except for God himself. i couldn't agree more.

not because that's something i have grown accustomed to hearing in church. i know because in my lifetime i have tried a myriad of things to become happy or satisfied, but they would eventually run out. but God doesn't run out. his love is limitless. God is love. and i thank God for the times that i feel this way so that he himself could fulfill what is lacking in me. i'm already feeling a little better writing this post, but i know that i have to snuggle with God, which is what i will do right after i hit "publish post." my soul right now is feeling a little out of breath. so the only solution for me is to go to the One who gives me every breath. does your God like to snuggle with you? my God sure does :-)

i sometimes worship God in the shower. yes, that's true. and this morning, while i was feeling all terrible (and in between rinsing and repeating), i thought about God, who he is, and what he has done for me. there is none like him. he heals, he provides, he comforts, he purifies, he sees, he hears, he listens, he feels, he cares, he justifies, he forgives, he loves, he lives. i love how God wants to have a relationship with every person. how do i know that God wants to bring us to himself? john 3:16 and 1 john 3:16. is there any other God like him?

why are you downcast, O my soul?
why so disturbed within me?
put your hope in God,
for i will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
psalm 43:5

he is too amazing for words. i have so much more to say, but i have to go now. my Lord beckons me to come!

getting old

2005-12-20T01:30:00.000+08:00

i love my blogspot address but i'm afraid that the time is at hand for me to put it to sleep. i'm not going to delete my blog, no way, but come february i will start working on a new blog - that is, a new blogspot address. i will probably use the same template and keep my cute, useless pets, but the un------ blog name (see i can't even say or type it) has got to go. when i get tired of something, i change it. but of course that doesn't apply to all things.

i already created a new blog and i'll start posting in it in feb or maybe in january, however the mood strikes me. but you must know that i'm not a slave to my moods. i refuse to let them control me. they can be nasty.

it's almost 2 AM and i need to be up by 5 AM. i'm going to the airport with my parents to pick up my uncle, aunt, and cousins, who will be arriving at around 6 AM. it's been about 14 years since we'd last seen them. i'm so excited to spend time with them especially with my cousin, christine, who became my constant playmate when my family and i went to california back in 1990. the other times we went to the US, we never got to visit her family in LA because we stayed in SFO. i can say that i'd left part of my heart in San Francisco, but i don't remember anything about Los Angeles except for my aunt's neighbor's dog named buffy.

well, i gotta go now. good night-o!

me and chris in 1990
taken at disneyland, CA
i was 10, she was 9
:)

---

okay, i was supposed to pick them up at the airport, right? well, my alarm went off, but my body wanted to stay in bed instead. nice rhyme i have right there. i'll get to see them another day.

this is chris today with her little sister faith, whom i have yet to meet:

aren't they the cutest
shh, don't tell them i got their pic from good ol' friendster. hehe :D

"past memories": just another redundant expression

2005-12-19T16:23:00.000+08:00

ah, the sweet things of the past. the fact that you can't get them back only makes them more treasurable.

that's what i like about memories. they will never be repeated. no matter how much you want to recreate them, they will never happen exactly.

i'm talking about the good memories, even the bittersweet ones. and when i think about them, i see faces of people because my most recalled memories are those that i've spent interacting and getting to know another human being. here's a short list of some of the little moments and things that make the people and the memories special (warning! very random)...

people don't last forever. sooner or later i or the person will be gone. i will be forever grateful that we lived in the same century on the same planet and became part of each other's lives.
it takes the will to want to spend time with another person that i didn't get a good impression of or didn't get along with at first. but then, to my great pleasure, he/she becomes an indispensable facet of my life.
certain people get on my nerves, i get on certain people's nerves. but as we wilingly work it out together, our relationship becomes stronger. and that, my friend, is good.
the laughter.
the secrets.
the really deep secrets.
when i haven't seen the person in a long time and i start missing him/her like crazy. i start to realize how much i care for and want to be with that person and hope he/she feels the same way.
i know how to give compliments. but sometimes there are special things that i see in a person that i will just keep to myself and never tell him/her about.
when somebody says or does something wonderful to me and i'm never the same person.
when i become somebody's best friend.
when distance and time apart suddenly become nothing as soon as we see each other. or better yet, when both things never become an issue for us.
when we've become so close that a simple look at each other already proves to be an effective enough communication system (especially when it is closed with a laugh).
when a person i've met for the first time tells me, "i've heard so much about you" or "i feel as if i almost know you already" because my friend had been talking to others about me.
when i begin to realize that life will never be the same without the person in my life.
having the pleasure of being ourselves, coming as we are, and being accepted that way.

and the list goes on...

*end of sappy post*

chop suey

2005-12-19T01:30:00.000+08:00

hi james!

baby brother, big brother
they used to be bald, now they have full heads of hair
i'm still getting used to them

always goofing around

ian, bassist. you oughta see him play

aww, they look like a real family
if you're wondering what james' shirt means, find out for yourself

the guys and tita carmina. haha :)
don, james, me, apple, rommel

i'm "one of the boys"
they're the reason why i don't have a boyfriend yet
they're like scarecrows
(tsss, i was only joking!)

a good morning

2005-12-17T14:49:00.000+08:00

i left choir practice at 9 PM last night and went to bed at 11 PM. i had an ok sleep thanks to melatonin. but i had to wake up at 2 AM because our call time for the sambang gabi service was at 3:30 AM. i didn't really have trouble getting out of bed because i'm used to being up at that time anyway. 2 AM was perfect because i still had enough to time to roll in bed, pray, and do the stuff that girls do (hmm, you wonder what they are). i left at exactly 3 AM and it was swell because there were hardly any cars in the streets and the usual 1 and a half hour drive to fort bonifacio was reduced to about 25 minutes. so i got there a few minutes before 3:30 and i thought i was the first one to arrive. but my brother and some people were already in the sanctuary. some of them hadn't slept at all because they'd just come from parties or whatever. but everyone, though sleepy, was in very good spirits. funny stuff even happened because we were all half awake so it seemed that some crucial parts of our brains weren't functioning well. the laughter and funny bloopers more than made up for lost sleep :)

i had a nice time singing. i couldn't sing the high notes during days 1 and 2 of choir practice because of a throat glitch, as i would like to call it, but thankfully my voice came back. so last night, i stopped talking from the time i got home until i came to church this morning to save my voice. and whenever anybody had to talk to me or ask me something, i would make gestures and use unofficial sign language. they thought i was being silly. i was.

the service was wonderful, the word powerful. the pastor preached a 3 point sermon and he also told a heartwarming story. i remembered some of the dialogue and searched it on internet. here it is:

golden shoes for Jesus
- helga schmidt

it was only four days before Christmas. the spirit of the season had not yet caught up with me, even though cars packed the parking lot of our local discount store. inside the store was worse. shopping carts and last-minute shoppers jammed the aisles.

buying for someone who had everything and deploring the high cost of items, i considered gift buying anything but fun.

hurriedly, i filled my shopping cart with last-minute items and proceeded to the long checkout lines. i picked the shortest, but it looked as if it would mean at least a 20 minute wait.

in front of me were two small children - a boy of about five and a slightly younger girl. she carried a beautiful pair of shiny, gold house-slippers. as the Christmas music sounded in the store's stereo system, the small girl hummed along, off-key, but happily.

when we finally approached the checkout register, the girl carefully placed the shoes on the counter. she treated them as though they were a treasure.

the clerk rang up the bill. "that will be $6.09," she said.

the boy laid his crumpled bills atop the stand while he searched his pockets. he finally came up with $3.12. "i guess we'll have to put them back," he bravely announced. "we'll come back some other time, maybe tomorrow."

with that statement, a soft sob broke from the little girl. "but Jesus would have loved those shoes." she cried.

"well, we'll go home and work some more. don't cry, we'll come back." he assured her.

quickly i handed $3.00 to the clerk. these children waited in line for a long time. and after all, it was Christmas.

suddenly a pair of arms came around me and a small voice said, "thank you lady."

"what did you mean when you said Jesus would like the shoes?" i asked.

the boy answered, "our mommy is sick and going to heaven. daddy said she might go before Christmas to be with Jesus."

the girl spoke, "my sunday school teacher said the streets up in heaven are shiny gold, just like these slippers. won't my mommy be beautiful walking on those streets to match these shoes?"

my eyes flooded as i looked into her tear-streaked face. "yes," i answered, "i'm sure she will."

silently i thanked God for using these children to remind me of the true spirit of giving.

this year was different from the previous years because this was the first time during sambang gabi that we had a choir (with piano and acoustic guitar accompaniment). no drums, electric guitars, or other loud instruments. it was more solemn this year and we wore satin choir gowns (that badly needed some ironing).

too bad i can't show you any photos of the choir in action. my sister-in-law is a bad photographer. she couldn't keep her hands still so the photos she took turned out blurry. so all you're going to see right now is me, my family, and some inanimate objects. that's not so bad, is it?

the oh Christmas tree at the reception area

part of the sanctuary before it was packed with people

see you later, baby

my "twin" brother jules and his family. the sun had just risen

the ladies: me, irene and little jaden (2 months), jasmine (11), and jillian (7)

hugging the tree. it was my cool idea

merry Christmas, darling! hihi :)

i miss everybody :(

2005-12-16T02:38:00.000+08:00

i'm learning something

2005-12-16T00:49:00.000+08:00

i'm becoming assertive. i can't say "more assertive" because it's only happening now.

i don't know how or when it started, but i'm still getting used to it. i surprise myself sometimes. i'm like, "did i just say that?"

if you're one of those people who loved to take advantage of me - you and i both know who you are, oh yeah - (okay, i partly blame myself for once being a pushover, but that doesn't ever excuse you for being rude to me in the past), please stay away unless you want to get the forty lashes minus one from me. just kidding :) i know that assertiveness is not to be confused with aggressiveness and i think you've got to know when to use the former, or even both. only a fool or domineering person would use it every chance he gets. so i want to make it clear that i'm not going to hunt people down just so i could use my newfound prowess on them in case they make the unfortunate mistake of doing/saying something harsh to me again. but the next time somebody does try to take advantage of my goody two shoes persona (yeah right), chances are i will no longer clam up. i'm going to squirt the villain in the eye or maybe give him a karate chop to the windpipe. do i sound threatening yet? hehe.

nah. i'm too nice. but i am becoming assertive. i'll put the ass in assertive.

getting there.

they're not even real

2005-12-14T23:59:00.000+08:00

why do i feel guilty when i don't feed my blue bunny or pet my pink llama?

there's something psychological going on.

anyway, i think i'll have serapio castrated.

i want to go to bollywood. now!

2005-12-14T13:39:00.000+08:00

i have decided that i will be antisocial today. yep.

people freak out when i stop smiling. when i don't smile, they immediately think that something's wrong either with me or them. haha. it's funny.

just for the heck of it, i will not smile today to see how many people will react... umm, i think it's going to be hard because i'm a human smiley. i don't know, i smile a lot. i even smile at dogs. that's why i make sure all the time that nothing's stuck between my teeth. either i use a trusty mirror (my mirror has a regular mirror and the kind that zooms in on my spots and occasional zits) or i ask a trusted friend if my teeth are clean. it's not apparent that they're grossed out when i ask them to so i guess it's okay :) if you're a really really close friend then chances are i've asked you on occasion if my nose is clean. i know, i'm the grossest person you've ever met :P

whenever i'm out by myself, shopping or eating or whatever (but i rarely eat alone, i've only done that about 5 times in my entire life. having coffee alone is a different story, i'm fine with that), it's almost inevitable that a stranger will start a conversation with me. i usually don't mind but it's kind of awkward still. i must really look like a nice, sweet, non-vicious girl. little do they know... hahaha!

oh and the thing i hate the most is when a stranger would mumble something as i pass by. this happens at least 5 times a month. one time, a transvestite said something not so nice as i passed by that it made me stop in my tracks, turn around and look at him, but then i just laughed it off because it wasn't true anyway. i have a word written across my mind just for him right now but i'd rather not say it. i hope he gets lots of men's clothing for Christmas and may heaven grant that he wear them.

on other things... tonight i'm going to choir practice. our senior pastor was pleased with our performance last sunday, so he wants us back. isn't that great? we're going to sing again on saturday but it will be different, we're going to sing at 5 AM. yup, before sunrise. it's going to be our church's "sambang gabi". samba means to worship, gabi means night. 5 AM is obviously daybreak but it's better than calling it "sambang madaling araw" which means worship at dawn. so that should be fun. this will be my 4th time to sing at the sambang gabi, but the last 3 times i was one of the backup singers. i'm more excited to sing with a choir than to do back up. it feels great to be with a group of singers and i simply love it, no need to explain.

december 11, 2005 christmas convergencearaneta coliseum

so every year we do the sambang gabi (let's call it S.G.) and on saturday, it will only be the 4th time since our building at fort bonifacio only opened four years ago, if i'm not mistaken. the very first S.G. was held at the rooftop because the insides of the building weren't fully finished yet during that time. then after the S.G. worship service, everyone gets to eat free bibingka and puto bumbong with coffee or hot chocolate, all piping hot and freshly made right before your eyes!!! they taste sooooo yummy, you've got to try them. S.G. is always a happy time for me because i get to worship and celebrate with my spiritual family. like i said in my previous post, i love my church (the people, not the building) because i have felt how genuinely they want me to grow closer to God. every year, thousands of people are added to our church, but as our senior pastor has always stressed, if we are concerned about bringing people to victory Christian fellowship rather than to God, then we have entirely missed the point. the motive of everything we do as a church should be the same as Christ's:

"...for Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous,
to bring you to God." (1 peter 3:18a)

that has become one of my personal goals as a Christian, to bring people to God by sharing his love to them. i minister to a group of women every sunday and it's a great opportunity to do just that, but i'm thinking globally. i also want the world to know that i love the Lord Jesus. as i prayed this morning i realized that not too many people know that yet. i want the world to know, so a few hundred people, who just happen to know that i'm a Christian, is just a drop in the bucket. how else are they going to know that i love the Lord Jesus unless i personally go to them and share him who first loved them? so i have a plan. i will go to the ends of the earth to tell them about Jesus. they will learn two things: that God loves them, and that i love God. you can't take them apart. it's a win-win thing :-)

hooray for being non antisocial!

VCF Christmas convergence 2005

2005-12-12T15:44:00.000+08:00

sorry for the crappy quality because these were just shared to me (except for the 4th one). i don't have the original pics... but i had a blast! more than 15,000 people came to the party.

I LOVE THIS CHURCH!

the crazy choir with some of the musicians and pastor joel, our beloved worship leader (purple shirt)

can you spot me????

my i.d. (more like worshiper)

trying them on for size... chilling out before dressing up for the big event

fill the frame, fill the frame!!!!! tsk.

i'm not in this photo

let us adore Him!

worship Him!

mighty is the power of the cross. this was during the communion.

yay! it's snowing! it's cheesy but fun!

the kids from kids' church presented a little Christmas musical

this is the part when one of the kids said that God made everything.
then the kid in the teddy bear suit said, "that can't be true! it says right across
my tummy that i'm 'made in china'!"

after dinner with my family. don't be fooled; the ice cream didn't taste good.

---

now these photos were from 2004.

over 9,000 people crowded the philsports arena during the philippine invasion 2004 conference.

celebrating 20 years of making disciples, training leaders, and planting churches in the philippines, asia and the world.

more photos later...

carmina the dreamer

2005-12-11T23:40:00.000+08:00

my dreams are usually enjoyable...

but sometimes i don't like them because they can be confusing...

last night/this morning i had a dream that i was combing his hair with my fingers... i was trying to keep it off his forehead, quite affectionately, and he didn't mind.

then i started punching his thigh playfully, while i urged him to come with us... i don't know who's us, but i wanted him to go where my friends and i were going to hang out... and again he didn't mind my playfulness or how i urged him to come with us...

why did i treat him so affectionately in my dream, when in real life he's not mine?

dreams can be pretty deceiving...

but most of the time they serve me well, just the way they're supposed to. i wonder what's next...

last night, i dreamt of this verse:

2005-12-10T18:55:00.000+08:00

i can do all things
through Christ
who strengthens me.
-philippians 4:13

he really knows exactly what i need, every single time.

for me, strength that doesn't come from Christ isn't strength at all. i'd rather be weak yet fully dependent on him, than stand in my own strength and still be weak.

"i can do all things..."

for my God is strong enough for me!

i love him.

hello, bloggy friends!

2005-12-09T23:51:00.000+08:00

i thought of something fun. i'm going to change my slogan or my blog's description daily (unless i can't access my blog or something). i want you to look forward to to it everytime, okay?!

i have felt better since i discovered the other day what was causing the depression. every single month i get depressed and feel that the world is against me, that nobody loves me, and that i'm ugly (the negative thoughts change every month, it's crazy). then as soon as i remember that it's PMS that's causing it, everything starts to make sense. it's kind of dumb that i keep forgetting that it's because of the hormonal imblance and not the cruel world. next month i'll remember. oh yes i will. but i don't think i will get depressed in january. it's my birthday month :-) well, maybe i will get depressed a little. i'll tell you why.

next to christmas, my fave holiday is my birthday. i'm not kidding. screw the fact that the number gets bigger every year, but i've loved having birthdays since i was a kid (trivia: i stopped drinking from a bottle on my 5th birthday). but now i have this complaint about my 2nd fave holiday. Lord already knows this. my birthday is on the 9th of january and every year my church holds the 7-day corporate prayer and fasting usually on the 2nd week of the same month (starts on a friday, ends on a thursday). it's a wonderful event and i look forward to it every year. i love hearing about the testimonies and breakthroughs during and after the fast. but my complaint is, it usually falls on my birthday :( that means i have not had any cake on my birthday in the last 3 years :( i tell God every year that it's okay and maybe when i go to heaven, i'll just have one cake for every birthday that i didn't get to celebrate with my friends. but deep inside i'm sad :( i'm just being honest. the rewards of fasting corporately are very great, but how i wish that the event didn't have to fall on my birthday every single year :( nobody will care if i choose not to fast and God won't even condemn me, but i want to do it. i am a firsthand witness of how powerful it is, so i guess i have no choice but to get used to not celebrating my birthday because i cannot afford to not fast. ok, enough about that :( happy birthday to me in advance.

tomorrow i'll go shopping with my mom, then i'll proceed to our final rehearsal for the christmas convergence. i can't wait for sunday!!!!

i gtg.

i got my camera back :)

2005-12-09T15:06:00.000+08:00

come a little closer and tell me your secrets :D
is it just me or has anybody noticed that i'm banlag* in pictures? it's annoying.

my evil, evil twin brother. haha!

*slightly cross-eyed in english :)

this is so beautiful

2005-12-07T23:57:00.000+08:00

gaya ng dati
-gary v.

dati-rati
laman ng puso mo ay ang pangalan Ko
lagi Ako sa isip mo
dati-rati
inaawitan pa
lagi ay may ngiti
mga mata'y nagniningning
ngunit ngayon nagbago ka
nasan na ang init ng pagsinta
pangako mo'y hindi magwawakas

'di ba't noon
samyo ng bulaklak at ihip ng hangin
ay kapansin-pansin
'di ba't noon takbo ng oras ay 'di mo napapansin
laging naglalambing
ngunit ngayon naglaho na
sigla't tamis ng iyong pagsinta
pagmamahal Ko ba'y kailangan pa

dati-rati
mga pangako Ko'y kandungan mo't lakas
sa pagsubok ay kay tatag
'di ba't noon
sa kaibigan mo'y Akong bukambibig
bakit ngayo'y anong lamig

'di mo alam Ako'y nasasaktan
sa 'di pagpansin sa Aking pagmamahal
lumapit ka't Ako'y naghihintay
naghihintay

Ako'y nasasaktan
sa 'di pagpansin sa Aking pagmamahal
lumapit ka't Ako'y naghihintay

'di mo alam Ako'y nasasaktan
sa 'di pagpansin sa Aking pagmamahal
lumapit ka't Ako'y naghihintay

Panginoon
ako'y nabulag ng mandarayang mundo
ako ay patawarin Mo
mula ngayon ang buhay kong ito'y
iaalay sa Iyo
gamitin Mo ako
gaya ng dati
gaya ng dati
gaya ng dati

when carmina is not in the mood...

2005-12-07T22:57:00.000+08:00

i went to class today and i can't tell you how many times i zoned out while the teacher talked. i don't know how many minutes i spaced out each time, but it kind of scared me a little. i usually sit in the front row so i don't know how i could be so distracted and totally forget that i was in class, considering that the teacher was using a microphone and was only a few feet away from me.

towards the end of the class, he had us break up into small groups of about 5 persons each. we were asked to summarize and list down the different reasons why Christianity disappeared in china in the early centuries, and what we learned from the early Christians' mistakes (to simplify the question). i am rarely the first one to speak up in a group discussion, so i watched while they brainstormed. i was just probably not in the mood, but one of the women started getting on my nerves. yes, i know she's a sister and all, but that doesn't mean she can't ever get on my nerves. i could tell that she was trying so hard to speak with an american accent. i bet you my pink llama that she's so into her american accent training at some call center that's why she did her darndest to put it to good use. i am so lame. hahaha... i know i sound so childish... i didn't talk much, or at least not yet while the others shared their two cents, because that's how i am, i usually wait my turn until i'm the last one to speak up in a group, whenever possible. she noticed i was't talking, so she brought up this question and addressed it to me, as if everyone was required to say something witty or else you're a useless part of the group. i totally ignored her and just then one of my groupmates, an indonesian lady, spoke up again. when she and everyone else was done talking, i shared my ideas with them freely. then, the lady who annoyed me said i should be the one to give the summary report. what the?!?! i wouldn't have minded if it were a happy day and, besides, i was the only one without a manual (i didn't have a manual - it was expensive - so i took down notes manually). but i thought she should've just volunteered herself since she practically did all the talking during the group discussion anyway. maybe it's just me, but she made me feel as if i is dumb or sumpin'? anyways, after i made the report in front of the class, the teacher said, "wow, that was very good." (it was a 3-minute report that anyone could do). so it wasn't so bad. hmmmmmm... maybe, i am dumb. i dunno why i'm making such a big deal out of the whole thing. just a pet peeve, i guess :-)

this can't be PMS, it's too early for that. wait a minute, i was going to say, the PMS will probably start on the 7th, and it is the 7th. duh! i guess that explains it. and i have been eating a lot! plus the depression. darn it. and now the whole world knows that i get my period around the second week of each month. so whaaaaat.

i love you guys! (hormonal imbalance. just play along.)

we all scream for ice cream

2005-12-06T23:18:00.000+08:00

i had an okay day. i wore a red turtleneck shirt because i wanted to protect my throat from the cold. i was coughing when i woke up because it was chilly. i also needed to apply moisturizer on my face because it's dry. cold weather has its disadvantages.

i was feeling low today. i really can't explain why because i don't know why. i don't even know what to pray for. hopefully some people prayed for me today. i don't feel like attending my make up class at 1 PM tomorrow but i don't want to miss it either :( Lord, what's going on with me? i just feel sad.

my ex sent me a text message tonight asking if i'm mad at him and if we could talk. i told him, "i'm not mad at you. do we have anything to talk about?" then he said we could talk about anything, but if i didn't want to talk, it's okay. i told him, "better that we don't talk." i just don't want to talk to him. period. we have nothing to talk about! because the last time i talked to him, he kept bringing up stories of when we were together. i'm not interested to hear about them and i simply think it's inappropriate and unnecessary. that's why i don't want to talk to him. peer-ree-yed.

i went to choir practice at 6-9 PM and it was way better than yesterday. it was more organized today, thank God. i think i strained my voice a little tonight. i still sound normal when i speak, but i got tired of singing. plus i laughed a lot during dinner at KFC with folks from the choir. it's nice to be around familiar faces and the kind of friends that you wouldn't mind sharing your food with. i mean the kind of friends who could eat off your plate but you still wouldn't mind. you know what i mean? :)

i miss my camera. it's with my sister-in-law. she doesn't want to return it to me yet. well at least she can take lots of pictures of jaden. i just miss taking pictures of myself. hahaha :) i'll get it from her on thursday. it's weird to not have my camera with me because i usually keep it in my bag wherever i go. sigh, i want a new camera.

whoa, i'm excited! our church is going to have a huuuuuge party! i'm so blessed to be part of the choir. 15,000 people are expected to attend the christmas convergence and we're only about 25-30 singers in all, not counting the worship leader and back up singers. that's why it's pretty exciting! i still don't know what to wear! i think i'll wear something pretty and red :)

here's a nice looking dessert:

here's a nice quote:

"there is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God the Creator made known through Jesus Christ." - blaise pascal (1623-1662)

not that thrilled

2005-12-05T23:56:00.000+08:00

i'm awreddy sweepy but i wiw twy to bwog wight now.

i had a cheeseburger, fries, and a coke for dinner. i was feeling low after the rehearsal so i grabbed some junk food on the way home. i ate everything in the car. the fries were bland and too crispy for my liking. as for my burger, it had two patties in it instead of just one and i didn't even order a double cheeseburger. cool. free beef! :) the guy who served me at mcdonald's didn't give me any paper napkins. the dork.

i'm still hungry. or maybe i'm just depressed. no, i'm not depressed. i'm just hungry.

james called me earlier. he just needed to vent about something. i dunno, people like to vent with me even at first meeting. that's why i really feel great when it's my turn to vent :)

a 20-year old girl i met last sunday vented to me about her british boyfriend. she told me how he would constantly mistreat her. she said she still loves him today, but she could no longer stand his bad attitude. she's a professional singer so she likes to dress up and look nice for her audience. but her bf would always criticize her outfit and make her change into something more "conservative", like a long-sleeved shirt. he's a jealous boyfriend who would wave his fist at any guy who might try to dance with her during a gig. she told me about the other weird stuff that he would do and say to her and i think they're enough reason for her to ditch him and send his butt packing. girls, no woman deserves to be treated less than a woman.

i'm blessed to be around people who treat me well. i'm blessed to have male friends who treat me kindly. well, some like to bug and annoy me sometimes, but i think that's their way of being affectionate. at least that's what they would always tell me. yeah, right! you guys know who you are... if you tell them to stop they'll just bug you even more. i don't know why?! but you know what, it's worse when a girl teases me. i dunno, i can't stand a girl who teases especially if she's not a close friend at all or anything. i just don't find it funny or amusing. i find it dumb.

on an entirely different note, i can only do so much to keep a relationship going. if the other person doesn't want to carry the friendship back to me, then i guess it should end there. i would never force myself into someone else's life. you can quote me on that. i've let go of many friendships in the past, each with its own reason and story, and i eventually turned out okay. so letting go of yet another one shouldn't be too much for me to handle. oh, the fine art of letting go. i'm afraid that i may have mastered it.

or maybe i just need to get some sleep. cranky, cranky.

what a week

2005-12-04T21:43:00.000+08:00

a lot of interesting things happened to me this week. let me do a recap:

monday: umm, i don't remember doing anything significant on this day

tuesday: i went to class. what else, what else? i think that was it.

wednesday: i did nothing special. but i wore a dress.

thursday: darn, i don't remember doing anything special on this day either. oh! i went to our rehearsal. nothing funny happened. except that james kept bugging me about something.

friday: orientation day, 6:30 PM to 8:30 PM. i met the other missionaries (i'm a missionary! i like that!) to india a.k.a. my teammates. i think they're a fine bunch, nice and friendly people. i'd already met 2 of the women before, but the rest of them were complete strangers, so i had a hard time interacting with them. i couldn't help it, i'm shy around new people :P we wrapped up earlier than expected. so after that i went to a Christmas party. met new people, all women. everyone wore hats because it was a hat party. i didn't bring a hat, neither did one of my friends. we're such killjoys. great food by the way. i got home at 12 AM i think.

saturday: training day. i woke up at 6 AM. i cannot stress this enough: i'm not a morning person. but try serving me some bacon for breakfast, then it'll all be worth it. i woke up at 6 AM on purpose so that i could fry and eat "some" bacon. yes, it has some kind of a hold on me, i can't explain it. bacon for the rest of my life? no problem. i left the house at 7:30 PM and was early for the class (9 AM) so i went to the cafeteria with some classmates, had coffee, while they had breakfast. i bought lots of mentos to keep me awake through the whole training. it didn't work. the freshmaker sucks. at least i had mentos fresh breath the whole training? hehe. thank goodness it was over by 4:30 PM because i really wanted to go home!!!! it wasn't supposed to end till 5:30, but the trainers were kind so they dismissed us sooner than expected. so the driver picked me up at around 4:50 PM, and one of my classmates (missionary to vietnam) rode with me because she lives at a condominium near galleria, where i was headed to pick up the study CD for our special number on sunday. man, this post is so boring, boring, boring... anyways, my mom was also in the car and she said that she couldn't go home with me yet 'cause she needed to go someplace to do some shopping. so i had to wait at galleria, altogether shattering my dream of going to bed by 6 PM. i was already feeling feverish when i got there :( so i went to the drugstore to get some anti-flu medicine. then i felt that there was no better liquid to down the medicine with than chocolate milk. so i went to the supermarket to get me an ice-cold 250-ml chocolate milk. it was goooood and it made me happy. james and my pals in the music team were also there at galleria. since we were already complete, james thought that it would be a good idea to practice the special number. so we went to a pizza place and practiced there at one of the tables. blah blah blah... then i asked them to pray for me because i was already feeling very sick. my mom wasn't going to pick me up till around 7:30 or 8 PM so i attended the 7 PM worship service. it's customary in our church to pray for the sick after the praise and worship session. the pastor would ask the sick to raise their hand so that they could be prayed for. so i raised my hand and the people around me laid their hands upon me (without touching me) while the pastor prayed. and tell you what, i felt the fever leave me! it was a new sensation to me, and right then and there i got healed. that was the first time i ever experienced instantaneous healing from God. i felt normal after that and was very thankful for the healing. God knew i needed the strength for the following day. so i went home very happy and was asleep by 11:30 PM :) a real breakthrough!!!!

sunday: ahhh... wonderful wonderful sleep. thank you Lord! :) i had my alarm set for 6 AM... i wanted to snooze for another 25 mins but my mind just didn't agree, it knew that it was a bad idea. so i got up at 6:05, thanked God for the lovely sleep and just worshiped him :) no better way to start the day than to spend it with God. i had a very animated dream but i can't recall it right now. i was late for the sound check which was at 8 AM, bad bad bad, but we were able to practice well. it was all good. blah blah blah... then i hung out at this no-good cafe. their coffee was so-so and their dark chocolate walnut cookie absolutely tasted like cardboard. it wasn't chewy, it was like crumbly cement. yuck. i will never hang out and eat at that coffee shop again. at least they had a nice table where i could do my homework and read some. their coffee still sucked. then for the rest of the day i was a little anxious. by little i mean a lot, because i'd made a sunday 6:30 PM appointment with the guy who wanted to court me a few days before. this is where i want to thank apple for standing by me through the angst-ridden ordeal. hehe. thanks, apple! i really really appreciate it. it sucks to be anxious. hey, but it's finallly over! fast forward... i had the talk with him (with apple just a few inches from where we were sitting, but she had earphones on, hehe! i asked her - more like demanded - to sit by us, i just needed someone else to be around. i needed the support, ya know. now i know i can be a real wussy girl when it comes to things like these! a nice new revelation). where was i? so we had the talk... i turned him down and that's all i'm going to say about it. i went home and had bacon for dinner. yay!

tomorrow, monday, is day 1 of our rehearsals for our church's christmas convergence. should be fun.

now, i go to sleep. don't want to bore you any further :)

oh, by the way, please show some love to my adopted pets. treat them as if they were your very own children. thanks!

groan

2005-12-02T02:45:00.000+08:00

this is the last time i'm sleeping beyond 1 am. it's not fun.

i had coffee today. one cup. just one cup. it didn't even taste good. and now this is what i have to put up with. i hate caffeine. although it's probably not the caffeine that's keeping me awake right now.

thursday night i went to our rehearsal for the sunday service. i had fun with the team. we're going to sing a capella on sunday for our special number. i'm kind of anxious about it because i don't know if i'll have time to practice it, since i won't be able to get the recording until saturday evening. and the whole day saturday i will be at some training while the other singers practice the voicing :( oh well. the song will last for a few minutes. i can do it!

hmmm... this is a time when i want to be alone. alone as in i don't want to be bothered by anybody. should you approach me and i seem unfriendly, i'm sorry. i just don't feel like being close to anybody right now. haha, this'll probably go away as soon as i wake up. or maybe not, so be warned.

hmmm... the dreaded question among me and my girl friends... "how is your heart?" that question usually pertains to one's love life or lack thereof. i don't talk much about my heart issues on my blog because for me it's simply a corny subject (yeah right). but i think i'll talk some right now.

right now, i'm pretty much focused on the things i'd like to do for God. honestly. i'm not denying that i have liked some guys recently (they're not that many, trust me), but right now... as in this very moment... i feel carefree. it's kind of scary to think that maybe, just maybe, in several months or perhaps a year or two, i will meet my inamorato. scary in the sense that, i will suddenly have a big commitment, a big responsibility and everything will be super different. it must be true that when you're no longer single, that's when you start to appreciate your former single status. but don't get me wrong, dudes. i'm very excited to meet him.

i can imagine that he's waiting for me very patiently. reserved by God just for me! =) i really believe in that. i wonder what he's doing right now. i wonder what challenges he's facing! i wonder if he's also awake at freaking 3 AM. i wonder what he smells like (yes, i confess, i'm a sniffer). i wonder if we've met!!!! sigh.

i wonder what his passions are. oh, definitely: MUST LOVE DOGS. i wonder if he thinks of me (even if we've not met)! i'm pretty sure of this one thing about him: he can grow a mighty fine goatee. hehehe.

hmmm... i wonder what our first date will be like. i don't think he's going to be shy because God knows i don't like shy guys. aww, man. he's probably drooling on his pillow right now and here i am thinking about him. who's him? i dunno.

i don't have anybody in mind right now. well, there are at least two (2) guys i know who fit the bill and may God bless them. but there's no use (this is my own opinion, you don't have to agree) in daydreaming about them (i.e. make-believing "carmina & whoever sitting in a tree...") because that won't make things happen. it is God who makes things happen and i'm sure he'll move heaven and earth in order to bring us together if we're really meant for each other. i wonder if he flosses daily? i hope so.

hmmm... what else, what else. oh, i'm not going to compromise. i'm not going to settle. i say no to settling. settling is only for impatient people who do not fully trust in God's providence. he's got the future all written in his journal, or blog maybe. i want a relationship with a purpose. i'm not going to waste my time with someone who only wants the lovey-dovey part of the relationship but doesn't sincerely have it in his heart to advance God's kingdom alongside me. he's got to have it in his DNA to serve and live his life unto God. no, i'm not talking about someone who has a halo. i'm talking about somebody who is so human that he knows he's nothing without God.

what else, what else... very random stuff. i can't possibly end up with someone who doesn't make me laugh. no way. and i can't possibly end up with someone i'm not attracted to. let me tell you something. i so dislike people who say that they don't look at the outward appearance because to them "the character is what's really important." i think that is a bold-faced lie. it is only God who truly looks at the heart. i'm not going to lie and say that i could care less what the person looks like as long as he has a good heart. any person who says that he/she doesn't care about looks probably never once looked in a mirror to check his/her appearance. but i highly doubt it. know what i'm saying?

sooo... he'll definitely be somebody i'm attracted to. i don't care if other people don't find him attractive, that's their problem. what i care about is that i'm attracted to him, and that i'll enjoy looking at him every morning when i wake up even when we're already very old :)

ok, enough of this stuff. first and last time i'm going to write such a post. my bed is calling me! good night (good morning to some) :)

winter wondurrrful

2005-12-02T00:48:00.000+08:00

courtesy: apple

don't you dare touch the pom poms

hey, guys!

2005-12-01T23:16:00.000+08:00

i got news for ya.

remember i applied for the short term missions in 2006?

I GOT ACCEPTED!!!!

woohoo! do the happy dance with me!

i was super excited when i got the text message from the missions department. tomorrow's our orientation day. i'm anxious to meet the others who also got in, especially those whose first choice of destination is india. i'm elated.

when i got the message, i was happy. but when it really sunk in, i cried tears of joy! i couldn't help it. what started as a dream, God is slowly turning into reality. you should've seen how glad i was. ahhhh. sweeet.

my brother and sister-in-law, whom i consider my spiritual parents, are very happy for me. as for my dad, at first he wasn't sure about me going to india. but almost in the same breath he said "as God leads you... i trust that he will take care of you." that is really something because i don't think he would say that without God's favor.

this morning, i read the book of ruth. what an amazing woman. first i asked God, "Lord, Ruth is the only female whose story was included as a book in the bible. what is so special about her?" God opened my heart as i read and i did find interesting facts about her.

she was decisive (ruth 1:18)
her presence was stirring (ruth 1:19)
she stood out from the crowd (ruth 2:5)
she was favored (ruth 2:9; ruth 2:14-16)
people spoke well of her (ruth 2:11)
she was willing to go beyond her comfort zone (ruth 2:11)
she was humble (ruth 2:13)
she worked hard (ruth 2:17)
she respected and obeyed her elder/s (ruth 3:5)
she was an honorable woman (ruth 3:11)
she was patient in waiting, yet she knew when to make a move (3:14)
she had a purpose (ruth 4:21-22)

why did i mention ruth? because i want to be like her. when i go to india (or any other nation for that matter), a nation that i do not know, i want to have the same experience as ruth because i'm going to leave my homeland and "live" with a people that i did not know before. trials are inevitable, but my mind is focused on how God will provide everything that i will ever need, which is definitely the more exciting part. i mean, yeah, i will go through trials and i have no idea how hard they're going to be. but i'm going to face them head on because i know that God will be on my side. jesus himself said, "take heart! i have overcome the world." (john 16:33).

i knew that december's going to be special. oh man, i'm off to a good start. i can't explain it, but i feel that something is waiting for me this month. i'm not waiting for it to come, but it's waiting for me. i'll know what it is pretty soon and i'll tell you when i get there.

all i want
(carmina beatrix)

even before i speak
you know what i’m going to say
you know all my thoughts from far away
my aches and my pains
every detail of my life
are laid bare before your very eyes
you know all my needs
my ways and my deeds
every moment you know where i am
and i believe with all of my heart
that you hear me when i get on my knees

praying:
"all i want is to be like you Lord
to need you more and never cease to live
the life you have written just for me
a story you have long signed and sealed
now all i desire in my heart is this:
to leave the life that i’d once lived
that it may no longer be i who live
but to live by faith in the Son of God
who loved me and gave himself for me."

this is the love that he showed to me:
while i was a sinner he died for me
now this is my prayer as i get on my knees:

"all i want is to be like you Lord
to need you more and never cease to live
the life you have written just for me
a story you have long signed and sealed
now all i desire in my heart is this:
to leave the life that i’d once lived
that it may no longer be i who live
but to live by faith in the Son of God
who loved me and gave himself for me."

all i want is to live my life
for the one who gave himself for me.
(06.07.04)

therefore I glory in Christ Jesus in my service to God!!! (romans 15:17)

another middle eastern dream

2005-11-30T14:56:00.000+08:00

this morning i had a dream that i was singing about iran at the top of my lungs.

give me a break!!!!

one nation at a time, please ;)

but i believe God only answered my prayer last night. i asked him to give me the nations as my inheritance, the ends of the earth as my possession (psalm 2:8).

:) :) :)

praise the Lord!

sigh through the nose

2005-11-29T23:45:00.000+08:00

i'm upset.

hey you know what, i've been going to bed early. 12, 1, 2 AM.... that's a real breakthrough...

i went to school today. it was ok. our teacher was a vietnamese pastor. he taught church history 2. i think he taught well. only i wasn't able to buy a manual because i'd spent my money on shampoo and stuff... tsk tsk. it was bad because today's chapter included the history of christianity in india. so i had to write the stuff that he mentioned from the manual and i hate taking notes.

i'm still upset. about something.

umm, tomorrow night i'm going to a semi-formal affair. i'm going to wear a little black dress. i don't remember the last time i wore a dress. oh yeah, at the wedding last october. but i hated that dress.

next week i'm going to be very busy with meetings and rehearsals. i'm going to sing at our church's christmas convergence on the third week of december. all of our manila churches will meet at this big place to celebrate christmas. that should be fun. i don't know if there's going to be a choir or just back up singers. i love being part of a choir. my only complaint is, it can be crowded and hot on stage. hehe. the last time i sang at the convergence, i was placed near the fog maker. not very fun. i'll make sure i won't be the one to stand next to it this time.

i'm not that upset anymore.

i'm going to bed now. if it's also your bedtime, i hope that you'll have the sweetest dreams ever.

i hated my dream last night. it had something to do with my past. wish me sweet dreams, too. ok? :-)

december, please come!

november

2005-11-28T21:06:00.000+08:00

it has been an interesting month. 2 days to go till december. wake me up when november ends.

i'm looking forward to december because i know that a lot of exciting things are in store for me. oh my gosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't wait.

wait, i just realized how much i missed my blog! my last post was friday. that's not right.

november 1st: i wrote about nanowrimo. i don't even want to talk about it!

november 3rd: i posted someone else's poem about moving on. yes, i am moving forward! thank God!

november 4th: a pivotal point in my relationship with God after the yucky months i went through.

november 5th: talked about God. i love talking about my everything.

november 7th: i posted photos of beautiful jaden. i love her!

november 8th: wow, i posted a lot of stuff on this day. but the most important post was the one about my plans in the summer. this was way before i had the dream i was in india. amazing how God can direct your heart like a watercourse and make it go wherever he desires. Lord, be my guest! i'll tell you more about the india thingie later...

november 9th: i craved cheese on this day. definitely had something to do with PMS. and then i wrote about me and my brother ian, about the time i had an accident with boiling water. blah. trust me, it gets interesting.

november 10th: i was pretty excited on this day about something... i still am!

november 12th: interesting nonsense.

november 13th: ahhh! i completely forgot to post about pastor sam's preaching! i said i would. sorry!

november 14th: ahhh, the indian dream. this is where it all started to get really exciting. i already submitted my application form on nov. 27 (sunday) for the short term missions (india was my first choice!!!) and i'm hoping for the best. if i make it, they'll give me a call and i'll attend the orientation night on december 2. i can't tell you how excited i am! O Lord, you make things happen. if it's your will, i know that this door will open for me. if it isn't, by all means, close it, Lord! i love you!

november 15th: i was kinda lonely because nobody was online on my YM... to all my YM friends, you guys sucked on this day. how could you let me be lonely :)

november 16th: aaaaack!!! i wrote: "i'm going to submit my application for the 2006 short term missions before the month of november ends." you're probably bored to death hearing about it, but i think it's cool!!! argh... carmina, be anxious for nothing.

november 18th: i wrote: "the more impossibities there are, the easier it is on me. you know why? because dealing with the impossible is God's business. so i'll just leave it to him and let him do what he does best; after all, he made everything out of nothing." i agree with myself on this one.

november 19th: some personal secret ;)

november 20th: stuff. talked about my old friend jihann. to this day, she insists that i was once a barbarian. i dunno what she's talking about (don't look at me like that).

november 22: i saw my (future) daughter in a dream! i know, it was just a dream. maybe i'll have 10 sons, i dunno. but i'm sure that they're all going to be very good looking just like their daddy :)

psalm 45:2-5 (nlt)
you are the most handsome of all.
gracious words stream from your lips.
God himself has blessed you forever.

put on your sword, o mighty warrior!
you are so glorious, so majestic!

in your majesty, ride out to victory,
defending truth, humility, and justice.
go forth to perform awe-inspiring deeds!

your arrows are sharp,
piercing your enemies' hearts.
the nations fall before you,
lying down beneath your feet.

that's my prince :) :) :) :) :) :) :) anyways...

november 23rd: people are strange. about the hair sniffer.

november 24th: ahhh, i cried a river on this day. a river of happy tears. a great release for the soul. i wasn't the same person after this day. nice. i wrote: "my life isn't about me anymore. but that's not some fixed decision i made sometime ago that cannot be reversed. no! every single day i have to make the choice that i will live my life for God..." yes, Lord, i will live for you!

november 25th: i posted a couple pics of me and my mom... (haha, i had to hit backspace because i accidentally typed, "pics of me and my man." i wish. haha!) that was taken on the night we watched a musical. it was nice.

november 26th: i said an important prayer on this night. God really does answer prayers... but not always in the way/s we're hoping for them to be answered. he's God, he'll answer however he wants! thank God he is for me and not against me. sigh.

november 27th: i wasn't able to post on this day, but it was quite an eventful day. i attended the 9 a.m. service. i didn't sing, because a different team was assigned for the praise and worship session. i love to sing during the services, it's such a great privilege. but i equally enjoy being part of the congregation, without holding a microphone, and being able to clap or lift my hands and dance a teeny bit and swing my hair for God. haha :) God knows what i mean. ahhh, i love it, especially when i could hear the person beside me singing. it just moves me to hear/see people worship the One who saved them, who changed their lives, who helped them in their time of need... just like me! that's why worship is a really really intimate time with God. he doesn't need it, but it is due him forever and ever.

we're still on the book of revelation, because our church is doing a series about that part of the bible that is probably the least read. it's about the letters to the seven churches and i think we're down to 2 more churches. it is very interesting! it is actually very encouraging. i thank God for the new perspective on the book of revelation. if you want to read about the seven churches in revelation, you can download the pdf files here.

i went to a birthday party with friends in the evening. it was for mike, practically everyone's friend. if you don't know him, you oughta meet him! he's a great guy and he's goofy. plus, he's got a real servant's heart. i've never seen this guy become mad or anxious or anything generally unpleasant. of course he's not perfect, but he's always smiling and ready to serve. he's the church admin a.k.a. spunky servant of Christ and overseer of the church service and everything in between. whenever i see him, (darn i don't know how to say this in english) pero niyayaya ko siya palagi kumain ng donuts. being mike, he would just laugh and say, donuts again?! i won't stop doing that until i somehow get on his nerves, just for the fun of it :) i'll see him tomorrow during class, i'll ask him again. hehe. i left the party at 11 p.m. i wasn't tired, but my ride already came and i had to go home.

and then earlier in the evening something very unexpected happened. someone proposed courtship. to me! i have neither said yes or no. i think every girl needs the time to really think it over before uttering anything. more than that she has to pray about it long and hard (but not that long and hard, she doesn't want to keep the guy waiting for her answer), so that she can gain the wisdom and understanding for making the right decision. notice how i shifted to 3rd person? hehe... in my humble opinion, i think that regardless of who the guy is, whether the girl already likes him or not (esp if they're both Christian), she first needs to seek the counsel of God, trusted friends and spiritual family before making a final decision. so right now i'm doing just that. i haven't talked to anyone about it yet (although i already have 2 people in my mind i want to talk about it with), but i am praying about it because that's the first and most important step. some people might say, "but it's just an invitation to courtship..." that's right, but courtship is a big deal! bottom line is, i want to decide and choose aright. ahhh, lots of opportunities to learn here! i love to learn. i've already learned a thing or two, but i'll talk about them some other time. i'm not sure if he still reads my blog...

anyhokeypokey, i can't wait for december 2!!! Lord, will i make it to the short term missions? ahhhh...

keep you guys posted :)

undeserved blessings

2005-11-25T16:42:00.000+08:00

read: habakkuk 3:17-19

God . . . has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ. -ephesians 1:3

-----

tennis superstar arthur ashe died of aids, which he contracted from a blood transfusion during heart surgery. more than a great athlete, ashe was a gentleman who inspired and encouraged many with his exemplary behavior on and off the court.

ashe could have become embittered and self-pitying in the face of his disease, but he maintained a grateful attitude. he explained, "if i asked, 'why me?' about my troubles, i would have to ask, 'why me?' about my blessings. why my winning wimbledon? why my marrying a beautiful, gifted woman and having a wonderful child?"

ashe's attitude rebukes those of us who often grumble, "why me? why is god allowing this to happen?" even if we're suffering acutely, we must not forget the mercies God pours into our lives--such things as food, shelter, and friends--blessings that many are deprived of.

and what about spiritual blessings? we can hold the very word of God in our hands and read it. we have the knowledge of his saving grace, the comfort of his Spirit, and the joyful assurance of life everlasting with Jesus.

think about God's blessings and ask, "why me?" then your grumbling will give way to praise. -vcg

are you ever burdened with a load of care?
does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
and you will be singing as the days go by. --oatman

God never stops giving us
reasons to praise him.

our daily bread
february 26, 1995

mama

2005-11-25T00:03:00.000+08:00

thankful

2005-11-24T01:41:00.000+08:00

i cried a lot today. not because i'm sad, but because i'm amazed by everything that God is doing in me and in my life.

i already filled up my application form for the 2006 short term missions. i'm going to have my passport renewed this week. that shouldn't be hard.

my small group leader arlene already has my recommendation form. she will fill that up and submit it to the pastor in charge of the short term missions (STM) probably on sunday. i won't be able to join the STM unless arlene approves and gives me the go signal. she said i can finally join next year! we had a much needed talk this evening, and am i glad that i have her in my life. i told her to please stand by me as i am a work in progress. she said that we all are a work in progress. she assured me that she will stand by me and will be committed to our relationship. she said that my success will be her success. i told her that i want her to see me become successful, and i believe in my heart that she will see it someday. my idea of success is not about fame and fortune. for me it's about doing the Lord's work, being obedient and faithful to him at all times, and giving my utmost, my all to him so that he can fully use me for his purpose.

sigh. arlene and i talked about other things while i cried a bucketful. it's nice to know that i am loved, and i have someone like her to help me up and nudge me whever i need it. if one falls down, his friend can help him up. but pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! (ecclesiastes 4:10) thank God for true friends!

sigh sigh sigh. sighhhhh.

hey, i rode the bus going home. i missed doing that. i was still crying even when i got on it. don't worry, they were happy tears. i guess that's why nobody wanted to sit beside me. haha. they probably thought i was a lunatic, a fool. a fool i am. a fool for Christ.

it's my bloggy
and i'll cry if i want to :P

wait a minute, the bus ride from ayala to don antonio now costs 30 pesos?!?!?! i don't believe it! last year it was only 19 i think. or maybe the ticket guy ripped me off! i think he did. he did!!!! somebody tell me i'm wrong.

anyways, when i got home i still cried a glassful. what a release that was. as i prayed, i told God that i really want to shape up and work out, spiritually. i mean, come on, i spent 22 years of my life doing my own thing. then i realized that i'm only a 3-year old Christian. three! tatlo! tres! trois! but i'm growing up! and growing up can be painful! yes, i may face growing pains, but they only tell me that i am experiencing growth and will continue to do so by God's sovereign grace! Lord, i don't want to drink milk for the rest of my life. is it time for my solid food yet? or have you been giving that to me? i guess i'll be able to tell by my level of maturity.

...a person who is living on milk isn't very far along in the Christian life and doesn't know much about doing what is right. solid food is for those who are mature, who have trained themselves to recognize the difference between right and wrong and then do what is right (hebrews 5:13-15 ). Lord, i want to do what is right.

my life isn't about me anymore. but that's not some fixed decision i made sometime ago that cannot be reversed. no! every single day i have to make the choice that i will live my life for God and not live according to what i desire alone. because there is always the choice (the foolish choice) of turning my back on God. i was serious when i told God on august 18, 2002 that i will live the rest of my life for him.and i know that he too was serious when he took my word for it. well, it's not because of what i can do for him, but rather because of what he can do for me, in me, and through me. and he has helped me! he's my ever present help in times of trouble. what a friend i've found. he's the only friend i have who remains the same no matter what.

going back to the STM thingie, it's a step of faith for me. it all started with a crazy dream of me being at an airport in india. the next thing i know, i've been given the go signal and will undergo training soon. whoa. and i only planned to go to the US in the summer! i don't know what challenges are up ahead but i'm sure there will be a LOT! but you know what i'm really looking forward to? i'm looking forward to how God will see me through.

i can't imagine not having to face any challenges considering that it will be my first mission trip to anywhere. it's not going to be easy. i will be stretched. my faith will be stretched. it's almost funny what i'm going to put myself through. what's even funnier is that i'm not even thinking of canceling the whole thing. but of course i am fully aware that a lot of things can still happen, and God can shut the door if he wants to. what i'm pointing out is how i'm being stirred up to just step out in faith and do it. what a wonderful thing. what a great opportunity to entrust everything to God. what i thought had been the "worst year of my Christian life" (that was during the time i had dug my own pit) is turning out to be an adventure-filled journey with smashtastic year-end gleanings.

sigh... i'll keep you posted! *wink* ;)

i caught him sniffing my hair.

2005-11-23T01:29:00.000+08:00

he got so close that i could hear him taking deep breaths. i turned around and almost kissed his face. good for us both that he quickly tilted his head back. sad thing was, he's kind of cute. he freaked me out somewhat.

i've seen the guy before but we've never spoken or anything. if i do not know you, then more than likely i will not let you smell my hair because 1) my hair is an appendage of my body; it is attached to me. therefore, it is mine and ought not to be sniffed by anyone other than the people i'm ok with 2) smelling the hair of a woman you don't know is improper, weird, and creepy especially if you get so close that she could actually hear the snot in your nose. if a total stranger did that to me, i'm afraid i'd be left with no choice but to give the sniffer a backward head butt.

"gee, your nose looks terrifically injured."

i had a special dream

2005-11-22T15:23:00.000+08:00

i saw the face of a little child, about 5 to 7 years old. she had big beautiful almond shaped eyes and a nice small mouth. she didn't have any expression on her face and it was just a headshot, like a portrait. she was pretty and i remember thinking to myself in my dream that her face was symmetrical. she had dark brown hair, i think it was short, and parted near the middle. she was my daughter :)

most times my dreams are like that - sweet and longing to someday come true.

me, myself, and you

2005-11-20T23:59:00.000+08:00

hey.

yep, i'm sleepy but i don't feel like going to bed yet. this must be the 100th time i said that on my blog, about being sleepy but not wanting to go to bed. i can't blame my skin if it likes to manufacture zits once in a while because it's all my fault.

my oldest friend (oldest meaning my longest running friend... whatever) jihann just went online so in between sentences i'll be chatting with her. i was thinking about her and then only a second after i thought about her she appeared on my yahoo messenger. you're probably thinking, "so what." well, i constantly amaze jihann by telling her the time without looking at any clock, but she would sometimes accuse me of cheating. why would i cheat about the time? anyway, i told her i was just thinking of her when she came online, then she said that's because i'm her female soul mate :) i'm everybody's female soul mate. i am my dog's female soul mate. i am my blog's female soul mate. i am lala's female soul mate. but i told her, "i'm honored." and then she just gave me a kissy emoticon.

i met jihann when i was four years old. we fought like real sisters. she lives across our house. not exactly across, but their house is beside the house across our house. get it? we both went to the same school when we turned 5. she still has her photo with santa claus back in kindergarten, while i don't because it's either my mom forgot to bring the camera or we didn't own a camera, i forgot which one. not having my photo taken with santa was a big issue for me because i believed that he was real until i turned 9 i think. i know, what a loser i used to be. but now i'm a winner! because i know that santa isn't real! but i still believe in the reindeer. i like all of their names except for rudolph.

wait, about the santa claus thing. my brother ian also used to believe there was a santa. he was a bigger loser than i was because he's 5 years older than me, but he also wrote letters to old st. nick. i remember one time we made a list of the things we wanted, like we did every year, and stuck it in the christmas tree for santa to read as soon as he came into our house. i probably asked for a barbie doll or a tonka truck, and i'm not sure what my brother asked for. so christmas eve came, and we're supposed to be in bed by 9 pm or earlier otherwise santa wouldn't come, because we're not allowed to see him. yeah right! by the way, i've already forgiven my parents for making me fall for their scam for so many years. i sensed the trickery when i saw that old cheapskate santa claus used the same gift wrapper for my present that my sister bought from shoemart.

so, going back to my story. we went to bed early on christmas eve so that in the morning we could open our presents. as soon as i woke up i rushed to the living room where the christmas tree stood and saw all the gifts that santa brought me! (now this was all before the exposé). i got everything i'd written in my list, but my brother was so very disappointed to find out that santa didn't bring him the gift that he wanted! oh, i remember, he asked for a remote controlled car. but at least santa pooper wrote back! in his letter he said, (he has a pretty nice handwriting, btw): "i'm sorry ian, but i didn't get around to getting your gift because rudolph had a cold." i thought he lived in the north pole?! to this day, we still don't know who wrote that stupid letter. my brother even had everyone in the household write cursive on a piece of paper to try to catch the fabricator. he didn't succeed. he later got the gift he wanted, so it wasn't that bad (???).

i was going to tell you more about jihann, but now i'm really sleepy. let me just tell you that she and her sister used to make me cry a lot. i think it's because i had a lot of toys from disney and they didn't :P they only had those ugly cabbage patch kids that looked like, i dunno, cabbages? jihann and i also did a lot of violent things to each other. when we got bored experimenting with her sister's unused kotex pads, or dancing to madonna's like a prayer (how sick), we would get into simulated catfights (we would slap each other, pull each other's hair, pull and stretch each other's shirts up to 2 sizes bigger, etc.). they were all simulated, but the pain was real. what benefit did we get out of our fake duels? a high threshold of pain. she even once threw a baseball at me and hit my head with it (this time i think she did it on purpose), which made me dizzy and almost fall. after i had the whirling sensation, i made her stand still and then gave her a doze of her own medicine (a baseball to the noggin). she didn't grow up not knowing what it felt like to be hit by a baseball at close range. that was probably one of her life's most indispensable experiences. it surely was mine.

like i said, we're still friends.

a beautiful story

2005-11-20T23:48:00.000+08:00

i loved it: the pickle jar

almost real

2005-11-20T23:46:00.000+08:00

can you feel my poetry?

can you hear the song deep inside of me?

can you feel me?

can you taste the sweetness of my lips
when you kiss me?

can you feel a thousand butterflies
when you're near me?

you are surreal...

the scent of your breath - like apples;
i can taste it.

knuckles

2005-11-20T23:34:00.000+08:00

model for the day: ariel the drummer boy =)